Will Be Back This Weekend

After a year of morning the loss of my beloved chow, I have traveled the globe looking for peace and serenity. I set out on foot to the Gulf of Mexico where I began my trek across our beloeved earth in my patented DeshGujarat water shoes. It was a little slow going. I stopped every now and then to enjoy the sun on the multiple trash islands floating in the Pacific.

But after enjoying the ash clouds of Europe, the riots of Egypt, and a terrible case of avian flu in China, I decided to walk back home. It was a little slow going with the Somali pirates stopping to laugh at me and trying to steal my empty wallet, but I made it home.

Enjoy the old posts and forgive the typos--writing always looks so perfect at the time, but looks terrible a year later. Oh well, I don't care. My search is for wisdom--and wisdom isn't always perfect.

Hey Punxsuntuwaney Phil--Shhh!

I believe in just about everything. I believe aliens crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. I believe that the University of Texas is a tool of the devil because of its "Hook'em" hand gesture. I believe JFK was killed by Mafia sharpshooters flown in from France. I believe Queen Elizabeth had Diana offed in the Paris tunnel.

I however do not believe that a ground hog can see his own shadow. Listen this year has been tough. We had to listen to and see all of the Michael Jackson tributes. My favorite was when the FBI took his name off of the national sex offender registry. Obama dropped the ball on health care, movies stars continue to die, Tim Tebow wept, Susan Boyle sang, and we've had a whole mess of natural disasters. But Phil please stop seeing your shadow! We had 3 inches of ice and six inches of snow in 24 hours last week bud. I think it is time for you to get with the program. We like global warming! Heat up this land!

I'm not real sure how he got his name. How did he get his job? Maybe the people that thought up the original Coca Cola recipe of cocaine and caffeine said, "Hey let's get a ground hog, lock him up, and stick him out in the sun in the middle of the winter. And if he sees his shadow? Six more weeks of winter!" Does anybody else wonder how certain traditions begin? This is definitely one of them.

Well I'm off to Juarez to see if I can stop the violence, but I suspect that I will have more to add about that stupid hog later.

Back Online!

Sorry I have not written since July. After watching George Clooney stare at goats, I decided to walk to Washington State to stare at Sasquatch. Why you ask? I say why not? But I wanted to see if I could convince the elusive creature, through the use of mind control, to sneak into Pakistan and locate Bin Laden. Although I found the mighty beast, I discovered that Sasquatch is a highly intelligent creature and speaks with a hybrid British accent. They are also vegans and have hired an attorney to sue Jack Links Jerky for depicting them in a false light. They refused my request to locate and eat Bin Laden because they are a bunch of tree hugging leftist apes that only want status as regular citizens and universal health care. Doom on you Sasquatch!

During my journey, I kept a diary of world events. Here are some of my observations over the past seven months:

1. Brad and Angelina have broken up or come close to it approximately 372 times according to my tally.
2. Susan Boyle almost had the best selling album of the year. What is wrong with this world?
3. Keith Richards gave up drinking. (Pray--the rapture is coming!)
4. James Cameron invented blue people and is making millions. I wonder how the smurfs feel?
5. Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards has a love child and a sex tape. I hear there are plans for him and Paris Hilton to star in a film together called "John's Weekend in Paris!"
6. The Entertainment industry is re-recording "We Are The World" to help Haiti. That should solve the problem seeing how the last song cured all of Africa's troubles.
7. Tiger Woods--You slept with a Perkins diner waitress! That is hilarious. "Hey Tiger how did you lose half of your money? I slept with a Perkins diner waitress." That is glorious Tiger!
8. Leno is back. I loved your interview with Oprah. Way to play the victim. You are a hack and your show is lame. NBC what is wrong with you? You once brought us shows like The Cosby Show, Cheers, Night Court, Seinfeld, ER, and Friends. Your cure for your problems was to give us Leno, Local News, and Conan? You should form a joint venture with Chrysler called CRAP.

Well, as you can see, my diary was fairly short. Nothing has really changed in the last seven months. I walked back from Washington dejected that Sasquatch would not help us win the war on terrorism. I didn't have the strength to put pen to paper. But I'm back and rested. I suspect there will be more posts in the future. Stay tuned. I'm off to Perkins for some fine family dining.

Slow news week!

The whole country must have a mild hangover from our annual birthday bash. I watched the debacle of a funeral for Michael Jackson and frankly I found myself laughing at times.

First, Al Sharpton--He made Michael Jackson sound like he was one of the greatest pieces of the Civil Rights movement. Please! Al are you well? I noticed that you've lost a ton of weight. Did you feel light headed on stage? Did you rifle through Michael's medicine cabinet before you spoke? What part of this man's life made him a Civil Rights activist? Shoot me an email, I would like to know.

Second, did anybody else see the irony of all of the children on stage? I bet Michael was doing the Moon Walk in his coffin trying to get out. The only thing more bizarre than that would have been an honor guard of chickens at Colonel Sanders' funeral.

In other crazy news, Miley Cyrus took some fairly suggestive photographs for Elle magazine. Are her parents nuts? Well, I know Billy Ray is one genome short of being a fully functional human, but she is only 16. I predict serious cocaine abuse and an affair with Lindsey Lohan in her future. Somebody needs to put the brakes on Miley because she is a train on the wrong tracks. Oh, but rest easy, next year is the last season of Hannah Montana. Miley wanted to end it this year, but did not think the show was ready to exit with a proper social message. Maybe they will make it sort of a reality show. Hannah gets addicted to blow, stops eating, barfs behind stage, her alter ego flunks out of school, her parents squander the wealth, she gets pregnant from a roadie, hops on welfare, and ten years later VH-1 does a special. I think that would be the proper ending to teach the kiddies a lesson.

I was just cruising the gossip columns on MSNBC and read an article about Paris Hilton saying good bye to her British BFF. I don't get Paris Hilton. What is she? She's not a star. She can't act. She is terrible in porn. I'm sorry I was going to make the list longer, but I found myself staring at my computer screen and my mind went blank. I think there should be a show where contestants compete for a chance to waterboard Paris.

Sorry I do not have more to offer. The riots today in Iran were fairly boring. I suspect that we will have some more drama to report after Jackson's family begins the battle of his estate if there is one.

Celebrity Week!

Billy Mays was laid to rest this week. I have to admit that I am very depressed by this development and cannot stop listening to Puff Daddy & The Family's I'll Be Missing You!

Media outlets want us to believe that Billy died from a simple heart attack. I cannot accept that and believe the reports to be suspect! You say, "Who would possibly gain from harming that gentle giant?"

Well I know of one person--Vince Shlomi the ShamWow guy! That headset wearing, hooker beating, and food chopping Sith Lord of television pitch men poisoned Billy with a lethal dose of Oxi Clean! My sources deep inside the advertising industry told me that Vince and Billy had a toxic relationship and Vince vowed to take the reigns of television advertising. I'll follow up when more information is available. For further information on Vince click on the following link-- http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html.

Karl Malden died at age 97. Good run Karl. Karl's greatest roll was that of General of the Army Omar Bradley in the Academy Award winning Patton. Although Bradley was the technical advisor for the film and it is a pure propaganda sham of Bradley's true personality, I still thought Malden was great in that roll. Rest in peace Amigo!

Col./Brigadier General Ed McMahon passed away. Ed served as a United States Marine Corps pilot in the Korean War and retired at the rank of Colonel in the reserves. He was later commissioned a Brigadier General in the California Air National Guard. He was most famous as Johnny Carson's side kick and for announcing "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" Well the Marines guarding the gate's to heaven got to snap to attention and announce "Heeeere's Col. Ed McMahon!" Keep them laughing up there good man!

In happier news, members of the Tinker Air Force Base 964th Airborne Air Control Squadron ("AACS") flew an E-3 early warning aircraft in the Transformers sequel. While only one member of the squadron briefly made it on screen the rest of the parent wing, the 552 ACW, at Tinker wrote the dialogue that is used in the background of the combat scenes over Egypt. Kudos to Michael Bay for turning to men and women in blue for authenticity.

Rupert Grint, the red headed actor who plays Potter's best friend Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter film series, is recovering from a mild case of swine flu. Ouch Rupert! Stop hanging out with Prince Harry's hookers and you'll stay swine flu free!

Well, Hollywood has taken quite a hit these past few days. I suspect a few others will soon follow. I'll keep you up to date.

Micheal Jackson Mania? I just don't get it.

As a child, I remember roller skating to Thriller with the lights dimmed, under a disco ball, with some sort of psychedelic lights flashing on the wall of the rink. I even remember a trip to Colorado Springs where I hung out with another kid, that I later played football against in high school, who wore parachute pants, the red Michael Jackson zipper jacket, and oh yes the glove.

I remember Michael belting out We Are The World with such high pitched power that I donated my green beans to Africa. I remember actually thinking there was nothing strange about Michael Jackson being alone with a female in a car at the beginning of the Thriller video. I also remember thinking the choreographed dance fight in Beat It seemed pretty...stupid actually.

But then things changed. Have we forgotten Micheal rearranging his face. Did anybody see the documentary that led to the child rape charges? Besides the sheer craziness of Michael's behavior he also had a painting of himself in one of Hillary Clinton's dresses!

Oh and along the way, he bleached his face, rearranged his nose, walked under a black umbrella everywhere he went, showed up to court in pajamas, settled numerous civil lawsuits alleging child molestation, fell into debt, slept in a special air chamber, bought the elephant man's bones, had a pet chimp, had Disney build rides at his home, married Elvis' daughter, divorced Elvis' daughter, either did or did not father two children, held one of his children from a balcony, walked around with a white scarf around his face, had some sort of bizarre relationship with Corey Feldman when he was a child actor, moved to the Middle East, was apparently addicted or abusing a drug used to put people under for surgery or to purposefully place a person in a coma, went broke, wore women's clothing, slept with children, was accused of giving alcohol to children, had a pet rat when he was a child, Pepsi set him on fire, he lived in a house called Neverland, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children....And people are acting like the greatest person ever died!

As an attorney, I've represented a few child molesters during my career. They all say the same thing Michael said in the infamous documentary..."I love them and I did not do anything wrong!"

Well, yes Michael, an adult man who preys upon children with cancer, then invites them to his house, feeds them cookies and hot chocolate, then has private sleep overs is doing something very wrong!

Michael Jackson should be remembered for his run in the 80s as the King of Pop. But he should forever be remembered as a pedophile who used his money and influence to commit heinous crimes against youth. He was a disgraceful human being and a mental deviant. That should be his epitaph. Oh and he could sing and shuffle his feet better than Mr. Bojangles. Good riddance.

Michael is gone...

Micheal Jackson is dead. The End.