The whole country must have a mild hangover from our annual birthday bash. I watched the debacle of a funeral for Michael Jackson and frankly I found myself laughing at times.
First, Al Sharpton--He made Michael Jackson sound like he was one of the greatest pieces of the Civil Rights movement. Please! Al are you well? I noticed that you've lost a ton of weight. Did you feel light headed on stage? Did you rifle through Michael's medicine cabinet before you spoke? What part of this man's life made him a Civil Rights activist? Shoot me an email, I would like to know.
Second, did anybody else see the irony of all of the children on stage? I bet Michael was doing the Moon Walk in his coffin trying to get out. The only thing more bizarre than that would have been an honor guard of chickens at Colonel Sanders' funeral.
In other crazy news, Miley Cyrus took some fairly suggestive photographs for Elle magazine. Are her parents nuts? Well, I know Billy Ray is one genome short of being a fully functional human, but she is only 16. I predict serious cocaine abuse and an affair with Lindsey Lohan in her future. Somebody needs to put the brakes on Miley because she is a train on the wrong tracks. Oh, but rest easy, next year is the last season of Hannah Montana. Miley wanted to end it this year, but did not think the show was ready to exit with a proper social message. Maybe they will make it sort of a reality show. Hannah gets addicted to blow, stops eating, barfs behind stage, her alter ego flunks out of school, her parents squander the wealth, she gets pregnant from a roadie, hops on welfare, and ten years later VH-1 does a special. I think that would be the proper ending to teach the kiddies a lesson.
I was just cruising the gossip columns on MSNBC and read an article about Paris Hilton saying good bye to her British BFF. I don't get Paris Hilton. What is she? She's not a star. She can't act. She is terrible in porn. I'm sorry I was going to make the list longer, but I found myself staring at my computer screen and my mind went blank. I think there should be a show where contestants compete for a chance to waterboard Paris.
Sorry I do not have more to offer. The riots today in Iran were fairly boring. I suspect that we will have some more drama to report after Jackson's family begins the battle of his estate if there is one.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Celebrity Week!
Billy Mays was laid to rest this week. I have to admit that I am very depressed by this development and cannot stop listening to Puff Daddy & The Family's I'll Be Missing You!
Media outlets want us to believe that Billy died from a simple heart attack. I cannot accept that and believe the reports to be suspect! You say, "Who would possibly gain from harming that gentle giant?"
Well I know of one person--Vince Shlomi the ShamWow guy! That headset wearing, hooker beating, and food chopping Sith Lord of television pitch men poisoned Billy with a lethal dose of Oxi Clean! My sources deep inside the advertising industry told me that Vince and Billy had a toxic relationship and Vince vowed to take the reigns of television advertising. I'll follow up when more information is available. For further information on Vince click on the following link-- http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html.
Karl Malden died at age 97. Good run Karl. Karl's greatest roll was that of General of the Army Omar Bradley in the Academy Award winning Patton. Although Bradley was the technical advisor for the film and it is a pure propaganda sham of Bradley's true personality, I still thought Malden was great in that roll. Rest in peace Amigo!
Col./Brigadier General Ed McMahon passed away. Ed served as a United States Marine Corps pilot in the Korean War and retired at the rank of Colonel in the reserves. He was later commissioned a Brigadier General in the California Air National Guard. He was most famous as Johnny Carson's side kick and for announcing "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" Well the Marines guarding the gate's to heaven got to snap to attention and announce "Heeeere's Col. Ed McMahon!" Keep them laughing up there good man!
In happier news, members of the Tinker Air Force Base 964th Airborne Air Control Squadron ("AACS") flew an E-3 early warning aircraft in the Transformers sequel. While only one member of the squadron briefly made it on screen the rest of the parent wing, the 552 ACW, at Tinker wrote the dialogue that is used in the background of the combat scenes over Egypt. Kudos to Michael Bay for turning to men and women in blue for authenticity.
Rupert Grint, the red headed actor who plays Potter's best friend Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter film series, is recovering from a mild case of swine flu. Ouch Rupert! Stop hanging out with Prince Harry's hookers and you'll stay swine flu free!
Well, Hollywood has taken quite a hit these past few days. I suspect a few others will soon follow. I'll keep you up to date.
Media outlets want us to believe that Billy died from a simple heart attack. I cannot accept that and believe the reports to be suspect! You say, "Who would possibly gain from harming that gentle giant?"
Well I know of one person--Vince Shlomi the ShamWow guy! That headset wearing, hooker beating, and food chopping Sith Lord of television pitch men poisoned Billy with a lethal dose of Oxi Clean! My sources deep inside the advertising industry told me that Vince and Billy had a toxic relationship and Vince vowed to take the reigns of television advertising. I'll follow up when more information is available. For further information on Vince click on the following link-- http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html.
Karl Malden died at age 97. Good run Karl. Karl's greatest roll was that of General of the Army Omar Bradley in the Academy Award winning Patton. Although Bradley was the technical advisor for the film and it is a pure propaganda sham of Bradley's true personality, I still thought Malden was great in that roll. Rest in peace Amigo!
Col./Brigadier General Ed McMahon passed away. Ed served as a United States Marine Corps pilot in the Korean War and retired at the rank of Colonel in the reserves. He was later commissioned a Brigadier General in the California Air National Guard. He was most famous as Johnny Carson's side kick and for announcing "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" Well the Marines guarding the gate's to heaven got to snap to attention and announce "Heeeere's Col. Ed McMahon!" Keep them laughing up there good man!
In happier news, members of the Tinker Air Force Base 964th Airborne Air Control Squadron ("AACS") flew an E-3 early warning aircraft in the Transformers sequel. While only one member of the squadron briefly made it on screen the rest of the parent wing, the 552 ACW, at Tinker wrote the dialogue that is used in the background of the combat scenes over Egypt. Kudos to Michael Bay for turning to men and women in blue for authenticity.
Rupert Grint, the red headed actor who plays Potter's best friend Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter film series, is recovering from a mild case of swine flu. Ouch Rupert! Stop hanging out with Prince Harry's hookers and you'll stay swine flu free!
Well, Hollywood has taken quite a hit these past few days. I suspect a few others will soon follow. I'll keep you up to date.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Micheal Jackson Mania? I just don't get it.
As a child, I remember roller skating to Thriller with the lights dimmed, under a disco ball, with some sort of psychedelic lights flashing on the wall of the rink. I even remember a trip to Colorado Springs where I hung out with another kid, that I later played football against in high school, who wore parachute pants, the red Michael Jackson zipper jacket, and oh yes the glove.
I remember Michael belting out We Are The World with such high pitched power that I donated my green beans to Africa. I remember actually thinking there was nothing strange about Michael Jackson being alone with a female in a car at the beginning of the Thriller video. I also remember thinking the choreographed dance fight in Beat It seemed pretty...stupid actually.
But then things changed. Have we forgotten Micheal rearranging his face. Did anybody see the documentary that led to the child rape charges? Besides the sheer craziness of Michael's behavior he also had a painting of himself in one of Hillary Clinton's dresses!
Oh and along the way, he bleached his face, rearranged his nose, walked under a black umbrella everywhere he went, showed up to court in pajamas, settled numerous civil lawsuits alleging child molestation, fell into debt, slept in a special air chamber, bought the elephant man's bones, had a pet chimp, had Disney build rides at his home, married Elvis' daughter, divorced Elvis' daughter, either did or did not father two children, held one of his children from a balcony, walked around with a white scarf around his face, had some sort of bizarre relationship with Corey Feldman when he was a child actor, moved to the Middle East, was apparently addicted or abusing a drug used to put people under for surgery or to purposefully place a person in a coma, went broke, wore women's clothing, slept with children, was accused of giving alcohol to children, had a pet rat when he was a child, Pepsi set him on fire, he lived in a house called Neverland, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children....And people are acting like the greatest person ever died!
As an attorney, I've represented a few child molesters during my career. They all say the same thing Michael said in the infamous documentary..."I love them and I did not do anything wrong!"
Well, yes Michael, an adult man who preys upon children with cancer, then invites them to his house, feeds them cookies and hot chocolate, then has private sleep overs is doing something very wrong!
Michael Jackson should be remembered for his run in the 80s as the King of Pop. But he should forever be remembered as a pedophile who used his money and influence to commit heinous crimes against youth. He was a disgraceful human being and a mental deviant. That should be his epitaph. Oh and he could sing and shuffle his feet better than Mr. Bojangles. Good riddance.
I remember Michael belting out We Are The World with such high pitched power that I donated my green beans to Africa. I remember actually thinking there was nothing strange about Michael Jackson being alone with a female in a car at the beginning of the Thriller video. I also remember thinking the choreographed dance fight in Beat It seemed pretty...stupid actually.
But then things changed. Have we forgotten Micheal rearranging his face. Did anybody see the documentary that led to the child rape charges? Besides the sheer craziness of Michael's behavior he also had a painting of himself in one of Hillary Clinton's dresses!
Oh and along the way, he bleached his face, rearranged his nose, walked under a black umbrella everywhere he went, showed up to court in pajamas, settled numerous civil lawsuits alleging child molestation, fell into debt, slept in a special air chamber, bought the elephant man's bones, had a pet chimp, had Disney build rides at his home, married Elvis' daughter, divorced Elvis' daughter, either did or did not father two children, held one of his children from a balcony, walked around with a white scarf around his face, had some sort of bizarre relationship with Corey Feldman when he was a child actor, moved to the Middle East, was apparently addicted or abusing a drug used to put people under for surgery or to purposefully place a person in a coma, went broke, wore women's clothing, slept with children, was accused of giving alcohol to children, had a pet rat when he was a child, Pepsi set him on fire, he lived in a house called Neverland, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children, uh slept with children....And people are acting like the greatest person ever died!
As an attorney, I've represented a few child molesters during my career. They all say the same thing Michael said in the infamous documentary..."I love them and I did not do anything wrong!"
Well, yes Michael, an adult man who preys upon children with cancer, then invites them to his house, feeds them cookies and hot chocolate, then has private sleep overs is doing something very wrong!
Michael Jackson should be remembered for his run in the 80s as the King of Pop. But he should forever be remembered as a pedophile who used his money and influence to commit heinous crimes against youth. He was a disgraceful human being and a mental deviant. That should be his epitaph. Oh and he could sing and shuffle his feet better than Mr. Bojangles. Good riddance.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
News From Tehran!
I hope this news finds all of my faithful happy and cool...It is hot as Satan's sauna here! Yes, I made it back to Tehran. It was difficult, but I disguised myself as a Swiss negotiator. I wore a red cross button on a pair of Lederhosen while swilling down cup after cup of Swiss Miss cocoa. It worked...They aren't too bright!
I managed to sneak in an encrypted satellite phone that I purchased with my back to school grant from President Obama. He was even nice enough to send it to me straight from the National Security Agency. But I just couldn't carry it through customs. I had to put it inside of a robot goat I purchased from Japan that I said was an offering to stop the blood shed. I stuffed it with cigarettes and samples of Drakkoir Noir. As soon as the goat was opened, I dove on the phone and climbed through the pile of customs workers fighting for the goodies left inside.
I managed to meet up with my contact named "Bob" and made it to a safe house. From there I applied a liberal dose of self tanning lotion, grabbed my sling shot, gas mask, back pack of Molotov cocktails, and Jack Daniels in case of wounds--I would not want an infection or a cut that I could feel!
I made it to the streets earlier today just as the riot police fired cans of tear gas into the crowd. I had a megaphone, with a taped message made by Jesse Ventura in Farsi, that informed the crowd that all of their cigarettes were in the pockets of the cops. The crowd broke out into a blood curdling scream that would have sent all 300 Spartans running for their home.
I hung back with the intellectual crowd and asked them what they wanted from these acts of direct civil obedience. Here is a list of some of the things that they desire:
I managed to sneak in an encrypted satellite phone that I purchased with my back to school grant from President Obama. He was even nice enough to send it to me straight from the National Security Agency. But I just couldn't carry it through customs. I had to put it inside of a robot goat I purchased from Japan that I said was an offering to stop the blood shed. I stuffed it with cigarettes and samples of Drakkoir Noir. As soon as the goat was opened, I dove on the phone and climbed through the pile of customs workers fighting for the goodies left inside.
I managed to meet up with my contact named "Bob" and made it to a safe house. From there I applied a liberal dose of self tanning lotion, grabbed my sling shot, gas mask, back pack of Molotov cocktails, and Jack Daniels in case of wounds--I would not want an infection or a cut that I could feel!
I made it to the streets earlier today just as the riot police fired cans of tear gas into the crowd. I had a megaphone, with a taped message made by Jesse Ventura in Farsi, that informed the crowd that all of their cigarettes were in the pockets of the cops. The crowd broke out into a blood curdling scream that would have sent all 300 Spartans running for their home.
I hung back with the intellectual crowd and asked them what they wanted from these acts of direct civil obedience. Here is a list of some of the things that they desire:
- Paris Hilton sex tapes;
- Micheal Jackson live in Revolution Square;
- A national referendum to ban Angelina Jolie from adopting Iranian children;
- A wet Chador (the body length black cloak) contest with the losers stoned to death;
- Iranian Idol;
- Showers;
- Toilets;
- A Susan Boyle live compilation album;
- Hillary Clinton in a Chador;
- Botox--Now!;
- Grass;
- Rain;
- Proposition 9 that bans the lewd and lascivious act of "goat roping". (I didn't ask);
- Chrysler Automobiles;
- Kool Cigarettes;
- Death to radio host Delilah;
- A Spice Girls Reunion;
- Music on MTV;
- ipods for their bootlegged music;
- Donny Osmond to become Supreme Leader of all of Iran.
The youth of Iran are deeply centered around the political future of their country based upon these simple demands.
I wanted to continue my conversation, but "Bob" has arranged for a meeting with Ahmadinejad, so I must go prepare. But in all honesty the one factor that all of the talking heads have ignored to date, is what will the Iranian armed forces do? They have the strength and power to seize the country in a coup, but will they. If the country falls, what happens to the nuclear weapons program?
I will explore these answers tomorrow. After my interview, I am headed to the nuclear reactors with a special laser "camera" that President Obama told me to hold very steady and wait for something really neat to happen. Oh I can't wait. I can't figure out why it has United States Army Special Operations Forces Laser Marker written on the side. Hmm...only time will tell.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The Count Down Begins!
The Iranian reformers have been ordered to cease their activities. If they march on Saturday then there will be bloodshed. The clock is ticking. Tomorrow determines the outcome of many political positions.
If the hardliners win and take power, look to see an Israeli attack within 90 days. If the reformers take over, well then the sky is the limit.
The entire security of the Middle East for the next twenty years will be determined in the next week. Or it could be just one big all night dance-a-thon. Who knows.
If the hardliners win and take power, look to see an Israeli attack within 90 days. If the reformers take over, well then the sky is the limit.
The entire security of the Middle East for the next twenty years will be determined in the next week. Or it could be just one big all night dance-a-thon. Who knows.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Friday is V-Day or D-Day In Iran
Friday marks what could be the most important day in the Iranian conflict. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has announced that he will lead Friday's prayers. Why is this important? He is the true power in Iran. He is the man that can rig elections. He is the man that can send Mr. Member's Only jacket back to the thrift store. He is the man that can stop a revolution. Ah the word revolution!
After the fall of the Shah by the exuberant Iranian youth, they went on to build a wacky little regime. But the most significant social issue that is at the heart of the election issue is the Iranian birth rate. Youth represent over 60% of the Iranian population. This should serve as a sign to the Ayatollah of things to come.
It was the youth of his generation that ousted the Shah and danced to Irish folk music on top of the American Embassy. Now it is the youth taking to the streets demanding reform. If the Ayatollah leads his prayers and then declares that the merciful Allah prefers Mr. Member's Only jacket as the leader of Iran, then there is the real possibility of a second revolution in Iran.
We shall have to wait and see, but the ultimate question is what if there is a revolution? Will the Revolutionary guards slaughter their own population to maintain the government? If they do, the current regime is doomed. They will have gone full circle and resorted to the same tactics that led to the fall of the Shah. If they passively allow the youth to over throw the government, then will that lead to a complete economic and civil collapse of the country? Only time will tell.
Friday is a chance for Iran to come out of the dark and into the light. If they elect a reformer that is open to relaxing the stringent religious laws, open up negotiations with the west, place a hold on nuclear armament, reduce terrorists training for attacks on the Israeli population, acknowledge that Israel is a country and has the right to exist, pulls their weapons support programs out of Iraq, and basically stops being a pimple on the world's rear end, then Iran could sustain a period of growth unequaled in the current Middle East political structure.
In essence, Iran could replace Saudi Arabia as the theatre super power. But that is too simple. I suspect that they will say little and do nothing with regards to the election. If that is the result then stand back because that country will set to blow up like a powder keg. I'll keep you informed as results from my homing pigeons start coming in since the Internet and cell phone links to my contacts have been severed.
After the fall of the Shah by the exuberant Iranian youth, they went on to build a wacky little regime. But the most significant social issue that is at the heart of the election issue is the Iranian birth rate. Youth represent over 60% of the Iranian population. This should serve as a sign to the Ayatollah of things to come.
It was the youth of his generation that ousted the Shah and danced to Irish folk music on top of the American Embassy. Now it is the youth taking to the streets demanding reform. If the Ayatollah leads his prayers and then declares that the merciful Allah prefers Mr. Member's Only jacket as the leader of Iran, then there is the real possibility of a second revolution in Iran.
We shall have to wait and see, but the ultimate question is what if there is a revolution? Will the Revolutionary guards slaughter their own population to maintain the government? If they do, the current regime is doomed. They will have gone full circle and resorted to the same tactics that led to the fall of the Shah. If they passively allow the youth to over throw the government, then will that lead to a complete economic and civil collapse of the country? Only time will tell.
Friday is a chance for Iran to come out of the dark and into the light. If they elect a reformer that is open to relaxing the stringent religious laws, open up negotiations with the west, place a hold on nuclear armament, reduce terrorists training for attacks on the Israeli population, acknowledge that Israel is a country and has the right to exist, pulls their weapons support programs out of Iraq, and basically stops being a pimple on the world's rear end, then Iran could sustain a period of growth unequaled in the current Middle East political structure.
In essence, Iran could replace Saudi Arabia as the theatre super power. But that is too simple. I suspect that they will say little and do nothing with regards to the election. If that is the result then stand back because that country will set to blow up like a powder keg. I'll keep you informed as results from my homing pigeons start coming in since the Internet and cell phone links to my contacts have been severed.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Elected?
Sorry for taking so long to write. After leaving Mumbai, in a hurry I must say, I headed to Tehran for the elections. I brought my all green suit since I was told it was going to be green as St. Patty's day!
The day started off like any usual day in Tehran. I left my dingy hotel room and hailed a cab to the closest polling station. Hey when in Tehran do as the Tehranians do--vote. I showed up in green and inked my vote for the other fellow whose name I cannot pronounce.
The streets were full of happy Iranians soaked in their favorite cologne to cover up their ungodly stench. It didn't work, the place still smelled like a Mexican whore house or so I'm told. We were dancing in the street and beating each other with palm leaves. They can party like crazy people over there.
When the polling stations closed, a man with a bullhorn blurted out in true Farsi gibberish that Ahmadinejad was defeated. Not so fast my friend! The man fighting to bring Member's Only jackets back into style was not going down quietly.
Soon police and soldiers entered the polling stations and began burning all of the ballots. The crowd reacted with blood lust to the news that Ahmadinejad was elected in a land slide. Palm leaves were exchanged for rocks, Molotov cocktails, swords, a medieval mace, and midgets.
Midgets and rocks soon flew through the air to the fear and dismay of the police and soldiers. A General announced that his men would begin using live ammunition if the crowd continued to use the feared weapon of little people. The crowd responded with a wave of small hands and feet flying through the air. I have to give it up to the little people, they were pissed! They flew through the air with teeth gnashing ready to tear apart any Achilles tendon they could find.
The police reacted violently and sent in the Iranian first armored division. Men on Vespa motor scooters roared into town at an amazing 20 mph with a shooter riding "bitch". The scene was something out of a bad Meatloaf video. I was laughing hysterically by this point. I could not believe my eyes. Can you believe midget bombs and Vespa armor! And we fear these people. I say let them have nukes, they'll accidentally cross a few wires and it is free oil for the world!
I began shouting in Zulu, as it seemed appropriate, and attacked a soldier with a mop. He wet himself and fled on a Vespa ambulance to the nearest field hospital. The scene was out of hand. When the bullets flew, I headed back to my hotel and snatched my trusty bottle of whiskey from the cutout Koran I carried into the country. (Travel tip--they won't search a Koran, so you can hide anything you want in there.)
The night passed with bond fires of little people lighting up the sky. The Iranian first armored division, Vespa mounted, was in full retreat. But the crowd would not relent. I of course was transmitting all of this data on my secure satellite phone back to all of the news networks. I'm sure you saw my footage on all of the major cable and television shows.
The crowd eventually dispersed to my dismay, but thankfully it was only for morning prayers. They were back at daylight armed with new weapons of mass destruction. I guess the midget population was pretty thinned out, so they armed themselves with goats. Some engineer even managed to produce a goat catapult. Future Kabobs soon blocked out the morning sun.
The police and army returned with a vengeance. This time they were mounted inside of old VW beetles. The scene turned ugly. There were head scarves and beards flying everywhere. A secondary riot broke out when it was discovered that Tehran's entire inventory of cigarettes was used up. The crowd blamed Admadinejad for their lack of smokes and charged the army and police. That's when the bloodshed turned the brown streets red.
I kept sending all of my reports back home, but soon the military traced the signal to my phone. My door was kicked in and I was rudely taken from my room. They drove me to the country and strapped me to a camel. They pointed it towards Iraq and slapped its ass. It must have run quickly because it only took me a day and a half to reach a United States Special Forces team deep inside the Iranian border. They were kind enough to call in a Black Hawk helicopter for my rescue.
The Black Hawk pilots dropped me off at Baghdad International Airport where I was able to catch a ride home on General Odierno's personal jet. I'm glad to be home, but I will never be able to cleanse the image of evil midgets flying through the air. Oh well. I've applied for a return visa to Tehran, but I suspect that it will be denied. I'll keep you updated.
The day started off like any usual day in Tehran. I left my dingy hotel room and hailed a cab to the closest polling station. Hey when in Tehran do as the Tehranians do--vote. I showed up in green and inked my vote for the other fellow whose name I cannot pronounce.
The streets were full of happy Iranians soaked in their favorite cologne to cover up their ungodly stench. It didn't work, the place still smelled like a Mexican whore house or so I'm told. We were dancing in the street and beating each other with palm leaves. They can party like crazy people over there.
When the polling stations closed, a man with a bullhorn blurted out in true Farsi gibberish that Ahmadinejad was defeated. Not so fast my friend! The man fighting to bring Member's Only jackets back into style was not going down quietly.
Soon police and soldiers entered the polling stations and began burning all of the ballots. The crowd reacted with blood lust to the news that Ahmadinejad was elected in a land slide. Palm leaves were exchanged for rocks, Molotov cocktails, swords, a medieval mace, and midgets.
Midgets and rocks soon flew through the air to the fear and dismay of the police and soldiers. A General announced that his men would begin using live ammunition if the crowd continued to use the feared weapon of little people. The crowd responded with a wave of small hands and feet flying through the air. I have to give it up to the little people, they were pissed! They flew through the air with teeth gnashing ready to tear apart any Achilles tendon they could find.
The police reacted violently and sent in the Iranian first armored division. Men on Vespa motor scooters roared into town at an amazing 20 mph with a shooter riding "bitch". The scene was something out of a bad Meatloaf video. I was laughing hysterically by this point. I could not believe my eyes. Can you believe midget bombs and Vespa armor! And we fear these people. I say let them have nukes, they'll accidentally cross a few wires and it is free oil for the world!
I began shouting in Zulu, as it seemed appropriate, and attacked a soldier with a mop. He wet himself and fled on a Vespa ambulance to the nearest field hospital. The scene was out of hand. When the bullets flew, I headed back to my hotel and snatched my trusty bottle of whiskey from the cutout Koran I carried into the country. (Travel tip--they won't search a Koran, so you can hide anything you want in there.)
The night passed with bond fires of little people lighting up the sky. The Iranian first armored division, Vespa mounted, was in full retreat. But the crowd would not relent. I of course was transmitting all of this data on my secure satellite phone back to all of the news networks. I'm sure you saw my footage on all of the major cable and television shows.
The crowd eventually dispersed to my dismay, but thankfully it was only for morning prayers. They were back at daylight armed with new weapons of mass destruction. I guess the midget population was pretty thinned out, so they armed themselves with goats. Some engineer even managed to produce a goat catapult. Future Kabobs soon blocked out the morning sun.
The police and army returned with a vengeance. This time they were mounted inside of old VW beetles. The scene turned ugly. There were head scarves and beards flying everywhere. A secondary riot broke out when it was discovered that Tehran's entire inventory of cigarettes was used up. The crowd blamed Admadinejad for their lack of smokes and charged the army and police. That's when the bloodshed turned the brown streets red.
I kept sending all of my reports back home, but soon the military traced the signal to my phone. My door was kicked in and I was rudely taken from my room. They drove me to the country and strapped me to a camel. They pointed it towards Iraq and slapped its ass. It must have run quickly because it only took me a day and a half to reach a United States Special Forces team deep inside the Iranian border. They were kind enough to call in a Black Hawk helicopter for my rescue.
The Black Hawk pilots dropped me off at Baghdad International Airport where I was able to catch a ride home on General Odierno's personal jet. I'm glad to be home, but I will never be able to cleanse the image of evil midgets flying through the air. Oh well. I've applied for a return visa to Tehran, but I suspect that it will be denied. I'll keep you updated.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Letter to My Dell Technical Support Representative
Dear Raj,
I apologize for not addressing you by your entire name. For some reason, I had a very difficult time understanding you. It could have been my hearing or just a bad connection between Oklahoma City and Mumbai, India. I want to thank you for spending seven hours on the phone with me to fix a very simple computer issue.
As you may recall, I placed a call to my Dell Gold Technical Support hot line. You were kind enough to answer and take down all of the information proving that I was who I said I was. I know you must receive hundreds of calls a day from people looking to spend a chunk of their life on the phone with you that they will never be able to get back.
I had a simple problem. The stand alone monitor connected to my notebook just up and started showing a one inch black border on the top and bottom of the screen. This has happened twice before and in the past the problem was solved in less than 30 minutes. But you my friend are much more thorough and you wanted to find the source of this evil computer configuration.
We began our conversation at roughly 9:00 a.m. central standard time and I want you to know all of the exciting things that happened during our day together. As soon as I realized that you were going to go through every worthless diagnostic procedure, I simply passed you off to a portable phone and began my daily chores.
At around 9:30, I received a can of Poop Freeze by Federal Express from Skymall. While you were asking me to check my video driver settings, I was outside spraying a recent deposit from my trusty chow with this new invention. It worked like a charm. Soon I had a frozen piece of doggy waste that was easy to clean up. A miracle product I say. And no, I do not allow animals to chew on my computer as you suggested. I do not know whether that is a problem in Mumbai, but I prefer not to allow my dog to surf the Internet--there are too many nefarious characters out there for his sensitive and overly friendly nature.
With the miracle of Bluetooth technology, I was able to take you to lunch. We shared a nice grilled chicken salad and glass of ice tea. In deference to your religious practices, I chose not to order beef. I believe we both enjoyed the lunch. And yes, I rebooted my computer every time you told me to do so.
Next we ventured off to the courthouse to file some motions in a case I was working on. It is amazing how I was able to unplug my computer and reinstall all of the software mailed with my shiny new dell three years ago. But we did it. I say we are quite the team.
I then went to my office where I was able to mail four letters, conduct three conference calls, and electronically file three documents in Federal court. You have the patience of a Buddhist god my friend. Just curious, how is life in Mumbai? Did you meet the cast of Slum Dog Millionaire? Sorry for getting off topic, but I have to know. Hey would you like a can of Poop Freeze? I bet you need it there after seeing what life is like in the slums. Do you live in the slums or do you have a plush apartment? Write me back, I am curious.
After reinstalling all of my software, or so you thought, we went to workout. I put in an hour on the treadmill and your demanding voice was better than having a Marine Corps drill instructor singing cadence. Wow you should become a motivational speaker.
Finally, when all else failed, you had me perform a system restore, which was probably the first thing we should have done, back to May 1, 2009 and guess what? Everything worked great.
Raj, I have to say that you are the best. I never knew that I could complete an entire day of work on the phone with a Dell technical rep. I've met several, but you are by far the best. I only understood about four words that you told me, but we fixed the problem. I have to say that Dell is without a doubt the leader in telephone technical support. You guys are fast and thorough and it only took seven hours!
I feel like we became special friends today. I would like to travel to Mumbai to repay you for your services. I have to visit North Korea and Iran as a United States Envoy in the next week, but I'm sure I can make a stop in that most luxurious of cities. Do you have time to show me the sites? Call me. You have all of my contact information and I'd love to meet up with you. Bring your family, I think they would love to see the face of one of your happiest customers.
Oh, I'm going to be mailing you a lead pipe, a pair of rubber gloves, and a giant anchor because I cannot get those through airline security these days. These are standard travel luxuries for any Americans. Hey, I hear that you can take a wonderful boat tour of the Mumbai area. I hear that night time is best. I look forward to seeing you and don't forget to bring the goods I mailed you.
Your pal and favorite customer,
Mr. Suspect
I apologize for not addressing you by your entire name. For some reason, I had a very difficult time understanding you. It could have been my hearing or just a bad connection between Oklahoma City and Mumbai, India. I want to thank you for spending seven hours on the phone with me to fix a very simple computer issue.
As you may recall, I placed a call to my Dell Gold Technical Support hot line. You were kind enough to answer and take down all of the information proving that I was who I said I was. I know you must receive hundreds of calls a day from people looking to spend a chunk of their life on the phone with you that they will never be able to get back.
I had a simple problem. The stand alone monitor connected to my notebook just up and started showing a one inch black border on the top and bottom of the screen. This has happened twice before and in the past the problem was solved in less than 30 minutes. But you my friend are much more thorough and you wanted to find the source of this evil computer configuration.
We began our conversation at roughly 9:00 a.m. central standard time and I want you to know all of the exciting things that happened during our day together. As soon as I realized that you were going to go through every worthless diagnostic procedure, I simply passed you off to a portable phone and began my daily chores.
At around 9:30, I received a can of Poop Freeze by Federal Express from Skymall. While you were asking me to check my video driver settings, I was outside spraying a recent deposit from my trusty chow with this new invention. It worked like a charm. Soon I had a frozen piece of doggy waste that was easy to clean up. A miracle product I say. And no, I do not allow animals to chew on my computer as you suggested. I do not know whether that is a problem in Mumbai, but I prefer not to allow my dog to surf the Internet--there are too many nefarious characters out there for his sensitive and overly friendly nature.
With the miracle of Bluetooth technology, I was able to take you to lunch. We shared a nice grilled chicken salad and glass of ice tea. In deference to your religious practices, I chose not to order beef. I believe we both enjoyed the lunch. And yes, I rebooted my computer every time you told me to do so.
Next we ventured off to the courthouse to file some motions in a case I was working on. It is amazing how I was able to unplug my computer and reinstall all of the software mailed with my shiny new dell three years ago. But we did it. I say we are quite the team.
I then went to my office where I was able to mail four letters, conduct three conference calls, and electronically file three documents in Federal court. You have the patience of a Buddhist god my friend. Just curious, how is life in Mumbai? Did you meet the cast of Slum Dog Millionaire? Sorry for getting off topic, but I have to know. Hey would you like a can of Poop Freeze? I bet you need it there after seeing what life is like in the slums. Do you live in the slums or do you have a plush apartment? Write me back, I am curious.
After reinstalling all of my software, or so you thought, we went to workout. I put in an hour on the treadmill and your demanding voice was better than having a Marine Corps drill instructor singing cadence. Wow you should become a motivational speaker.
Finally, when all else failed, you had me perform a system restore, which was probably the first thing we should have done, back to May 1, 2009 and guess what? Everything worked great.
Raj, I have to say that you are the best. I never knew that I could complete an entire day of work on the phone with a Dell technical rep. I've met several, but you are by far the best. I only understood about four words that you told me, but we fixed the problem. I have to say that Dell is without a doubt the leader in telephone technical support. You guys are fast and thorough and it only took seven hours!
I feel like we became special friends today. I would like to travel to Mumbai to repay you for your services. I have to visit North Korea and Iran as a United States Envoy in the next week, but I'm sure I can make a stop in that most luxurious of cities. Do you have time to show me the sites? Call me. You have all of my contact information and I'd love to meet up with you. Bring your family, I think they would love to see the face of one of your happiest customers.
Oh, I'm going to be mailing you a lead pipe, a pair of rubber gloves, and a giant anchor because I cannot get those through airline security these days. These are standard travel luxuries for any Americans. Hey, I hear that you can take a wonderful boat tour of the Mumbai area. I hear that night time is best. I look forward to seeing you and don't forget to bring the goods I mailed you.
Your pal and favorite customer,
Mr. Suspect
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Entertainment News!
I would like to appologize to my readers, I've been busy advising Al Gore on how to release Euna Lee and Laura Ling from a North Korean hard labor camp. Negotiations were going well until Kim Jong-Il demanded that Al Gore publicly acknowledge that it was in fact Kim who created the Internet and discovered global warming. That was too much for Mr. Gore who had to return to his suite in Tokyo.
So, let's talk some entertainment.
The Hangover is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen!It is a depraved tail of a bachelor party gone bad that would have made Hunter S. Thompson jealous! Two thumbs up plus my big toe! Warning: If you have no sense of humor or find insanity too vulgar to watch--don't go!
Rumors have it that Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. If that is true that will be the first time since early last fall that Tony Romo was able to sneak one into the endzone.
Adam Lambert came out of the Closet: No Shit Adam! Now go back in it, turn off the lights, shut the door and leave us alone.
Miss USA Carrie Prejean received a "You're Fired" from the Don today. Does anybody really care anymore about Miss USA? I advised the Don to take it topless and put it on Pay-Per-View. He is taking my suggestion under advisement. I doubt I will receive my demand of 50% of all profits.
Sarah Palin---Just move along, your five minutes of fame are up. Stay home and keep an eye on Russia for us from your porch.
Susan Boyle: Simon promises to help her find her voice. Did you check under the bed by her dentures?
Robert Pattison--The actor who plays "Edward" in the film adaptation of the tweener sensation Twilight, claims that he can no longer take fame and the teenage girls throwing their bodies at him. Uh, Robbie, I suggest working as a janitor for a few months before you decide that your life is so bad.
Miley Cyrus broke up with her 20 year old boyfriend. In most states the boyfriend would receive a free vacation at the expense of the State and have to avoid schools, playgrounds, churches, Chucky Cheese, malls, etc., pursuant to the restrictions set forth in Megan's Law for persons convicted of crimes such as Rape in the Second Degree otherwise known as statutory rape. Hey Billy, I know you aren't the sharpest butter knife on the table, but do you think you might want your daughter to date people that are not by legal definition engaged in predatory behavior? I'm sure your hands are full trying to heal Miley's achy breaky heart.
Well sorry for the delay. I'm headed back to North Korea. I've asked that the two journalists be allowed to watch a tale of survival and compliance within a labor camp titled The Great Escape. I suspect that my demands will not be met, but you never know. Happy Thursday All!
So, let's talk some entertainment.
The Hangover is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen!It is a depraved tail of a bachelor party gone bad that would have made Hunter S. Thompson jealous! Two thumbs up plus my big toe! Warning: If you have no sense of humor or find insanity too vulgar to watch--don't go!
Rumors have it that Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. If that is true that will be the first time since early last fall that Tony Romo was able to sneak one into the endzone.
Adam Lambert came out of the Closet: No Shit Adam! Now go back in it, turn off the lights, shut the door and leave us alone.
Miss USA Carrie Prejean received a "You're Fired" from the Don today. Does anybody really care anymore about Miss USA? I advised the Don to take it topless and put it on Pay-Per-View. He is taking my suggestion under advisement. I doubt I will receive my demand of 50% of all profits.
Sarah Palin---Just move along, your five minutes of fame are up. Stay home and keep an eye on Russia for us from your porch.
Susan Boyle: Simon promises to help her find her voice. Did you check under the bed by her dentures?
Robert Pattison--The actor who plays "Edward" in the film adaptation of the tweener sensation Twilight, claims that he can no longer take fame and the teenage girls throwing their bodies at him. Uh, Robbie, I suggest working as a janitor for a few months before you decide that your life is so bad.
Miley Cyrus broke up with her 20 year old boyfriend. In most states the boyfriend would receive a free vacation at the expense of the State and have to avoid schools, playgrounds, churches, Chucky Cheese, malls, etc., pursuant to the restrictions set forth in Megan's Law for persons convicted of crimes such as Rape in the Second Degree otherwise known as statutory rape. Hey Billy, I know you aren't the sharpest butter knife on the table, but do you think you might want your daughter to date people that are not by legal definition engaged in predatory behavior? I'm sure your hands are full trying to heal Miley's achy breaky heart.
Well sorry for the delay. I'm headed back to North Korea. I've asked that the two journalists be allowed to watch a tale of survival and compliance within a labor camp titled The Great Escape. I suspect that my demands will not be met, but you never know. Happy Thursday All!
Friday, June 5, 2009
A Letter Home
Dear Mom and Dad,
I hope this letter reaches you intact. A friend of mine is injured and unfit for duty and he swore to me that he would hide this letter from the censors and bring it to you in person or mail it to you when he could.
I am tired and seasick. I've been buried deep within the bowels of a troop transport for the past few days. The weather is awful and we are not sure if our commanders know what they are doing. All that I know is that the boat smells of smoke, vomit, and other odors for which I cannot describe. I can't wait to crawl over the side and get on the dang Higgins Boat.
I am quite used to this by now. From Africa to Italy, the routine never changes. The only difference is that we are now old men. I know that I am only 22, but I feel like grandpa. Can you believe that we have been at war for almost three years! Tell little Billy to stay in school and do not let him enlist. I do not want him to see what I have seen.
The good news is that we have warm food, clean water, and new equipment. I still have the same M-1 that I've carried since Africa, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. We've been issued new load bearing equipment that allows us to haul more food and ammo. They've issued us special waist belts that have some sort of cartridge that will inflate the belt and allow us to walk ashore if we find ourselves in deep water.
I do not need to tell you, because you will already know, but we are headed for France. We are going to land on a beach called Normandy. The Navy and Air Corps are supposed to shell the beach so heavily that no person will survive. We'll see. They've made the same promise at every landing and so far they've all been wrong. Maybe the Airborne jerks will kill all of the Germans and we can go home.
The men I serve with are the best infantrymen in the world. We fight as one person and we only have one goal--we are going to kill all of the Germans so that we may go home. But I have a feeling I will not be coming home. I've been in this mess for too long and I don't believe my luck will hold. I just hope that I do not let my squad mates down.
My officers are young, but experienced. We know our job and we do it well. Sometimes it is scary to think what kind of people we've become. We are killers. We have seen so much death that we now just keep moving and reflect upon it later. Most of the men that I went through basic with are dead. There are only a few of us left. You would laugh if you saw me now--my hair is grey!
Know this, when that landing craft hits the beach, I am going to run and shoot as fast as I can. I will not linger around long enough to wind up in some Kraut's sights. But we hear there are a lot of guns on that beach plus mines and wire.
We are fighting to come home, but we are also fighting to make sure that this war never touches you. I hear that they are starting to relax the rations back home. I hope Dad can finally get the spare parts he's been searching for. I hope all of you are well and I want you to know that you raised me right and I have no regrets. I love all of you and we will see each other again. I know.
If you are reading this then I am dead. Do not cry and do not be angry. If it wasn't me it might be little Billy someday and I can't have that. I'll see you in heaven.
Signed,
An American Son
June 6, 1944
I hope this letter reaches you intact. A friend of mine is injured and unfit for duty and he swore to me that he would hide this letter from the censors and bring it to you in person or mail it to you when he could.
I am tired and seasick. I've been buried deep within the bowels of a troop transport for the past few days. The weather is awful and we are not sure if our commanders know what they are doing. All that I know is that the boat smells of smoke, vomit, and other odors for which I cannot describe. I can't wait to crawl over the side and get on the dang Higgins Boat.
I am quite used to this by now. From Africa to Italy, the routine never changes. The only difference is that we are now old men. I know that I am only 22, but I feel like grandpa. Can you believe that we have been at war for almost three years! Tell little Billy to stay in school and do not let him enlist. I do not want him to see what I have seen.
The good news is that we have warm food, clean water, and new equipment. I still have the same M-1 that I've carried since Africa, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. We've been issued new load bearing equipment that allows us to haul more food and ammo. They've issued us special waist belts that have some sort of cartridge that will inflate the belt and allow us to walk ashore if we find ourselves in deep water.
I do not need to tell you, because you will already know, but we are headed for France. We are going to land on a beach called Normandy. The Navy and Air Corps are supposed to shell the beach so heavily that no person will survive. We'll see. They've made the same promise at every landing and so far they've all been wrong. Maybe the Airborne jerks will kill all of the Germans and we can go home.
The men I serve with are the best infantrymen in the world. We fight as one person and we only have one goal--we are going to kill all of the Germans so that we may go home. But I have a feeling I will not be coming home. I've been in this mess for too long and I don't believe my luck will hold. I just hope that I do not let my squad mates down.
My officers are young, but experienced. We know our job and we do it well. Sometimes it is scary to think what kind of people we've become. We are killers. We have seen so much death that we now just keep moving and reflect upon it later. Most of the men that I went through basic with are dead. There are only a few of us left. You would laugh if you saw me now--my hair is grey!
Know this, when that landing craft hits the beach, I am going to run and shoot as fast as I can. I will not linger around long enough to wind up in some Kraut's sights. But we hear there are a lot of guns on that beach plus mines and wire.
We are fighting to come home, but we are also fighting to make sure that this war never touches you. I hear that they are starting to relax the rations back home. I hope Dad can finally get the spare parts he's been searching for. I hope all of you are well and I want you to know that you raised me right and I have no regrets. I love all of you and we will see each other again. I know.
If you are reading this then I am dead. Do not cry and do not be angry. If it wasn't me it might be little Billy someday and I can't have that. I'll see you in heaven.
Signed,
An American Son
June 6, 1944
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
From Cairo to Little Nero!
I Found a nice little spot on top of the Sphinx, where I could set up an umbrella and listen to the President's speech in Cairo today. His speech was adorned with his usual humility, prayers of hope, and insulin resistant optimism. All in all it was a very good speech.
But as I sunned on top of one of humankind's greatest achievements, I wondered--what in the heck does all of this mean? There were no solutions, he didn't say anything that hasn't been said before, he did not make a pledge in support or defiance of our two wars that was not already in the news. Maybe a speech of everything and nothing is what the Middle East needed. Who knows. But I enjoyed my stay.
After packing up my umbrella, I flew my personal jet to Japan where I could keep an eye on my favorite enemy--North Korea.
Even though Kim has turned over power to Jung Un, it seems that he is still pulling the strings. North Korean ships crossed into the South's Territorial waters today to allegedly stop illegal Chinese crab fishing. Oh yeah right! And I suppose that the amphibious assault exercise was one great seashell hunt?
Do they believe we are that stupid? Well, yes they do. Apparently some in the west believe that we can inflict harm on the little dictator by cutting off his supply of liquor, lobster, and sushi. I'm not making this up. They think cutting off Kim and little Kim's supplies will force them to scale back the impending storm. Oh, if that logic were true, then world war II could have been won if only we had cut off Hitlers supply of vegetables and amphetamines.
Today has been a long day. Between the Kumbaya speech in Cairo and the impending naval disaster off of the Korean peninsula, I think that I'll just take a short vacation and head to London to serve as a spiritual coach to the lovely Susan Boyle. I would say more, but the gauntlet was dropped today--any negative talk from Westerners about that region is now considered islamophobia. Now that we have labels, we must take great strides not to talk negative in terms of the land of terror. I'm certain some sort of phobia will fall on our heads with regards to North Korea.
I suspect a pattern here. If you create a negative label for everything, then we cannot talk about it. Then of course it does not exist. Take for instance Swine Flu. The President suggested that we now refer to it as H1N1. God forbid that we offend a pig!
I'm tired, the sun in Cairo was hot, my trips to Japan and North Korea this week have worn me out. Maybe Ms. Boyle will sing me to sleep with Don't Cry for Me Argentina! I'm out.
But as I sunned on top of one of humankind's greatest achievements, I wondered--what in the heck does all of this mean? There were no solutions, he didn't say anything that hasn't been said before, he did not make a pledge in support or defiance of our two wars that was not already in the news. Maybe a speech of everything and nothing is what the Middle East needed. Who knows. But I enjoyed my stay.
After packing up my umbrella, I flew my personal jet to Japan where I could keep an eye on my favorite enemy--North Korea.
Even though Kim has turned over power to Jung Un, it seems that he is still pulling the strings. North Korean ships crossed into the South's Territorial waters today to allegedly stop illegal Chinese crab fishing. Oh yeah right! And I suppose that the amphibious assault exercise was one great seashell hunt?
Do they believe we are that stupid? Well, yes they do. Apparently some in the west believe that we can inflict harm on the little dictator by cutting off his supply of liquor, lobster, and sushi. I'm not making this up. They think cutting off Kim and little Kim's supplies will force them to scale back the impending storm. Oh, if that logic were true, then world war II could have been won if only we had cut off Hitlers supply of vegetables and amphetamines.
Today has been a long day. Between the Kumbaya speech in Cairo and the impending naval disaster off of the Korean peninsula, I think that I'll just take a short vacation and head to London to serve as a spiritual coach to the lovely Susan Boyle. I would say more, but the gauntlet was dropped today--any negative talk from Westerners about that region is now considered islamophobia. Now that we have labels, we must take great strides not to talk negative in terms of the land of terror. I'm certain some sort of phobia will fall on our heads with regards to North Korea.
I suspect a pattern here. If you create a negative label for everything, then we cannot talk about it. Then of course it does not exist. Take for instance Swine Flu. The President suggested that we now refer to it as H1N1. God forbid that we offend a pig!
I'm tired, the sun in Cairo was hot, my trips to Japan and North Korea this week have worn me out. Maybe Ms. Boyle will sing me to sleep with Don't Cry for Me Argentina! I'm out.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Jung Un is a Yungin!
Sorry for the delay between posts, I just returned from interviewing Kim Jong-Un the heir apparent to the starved and beleaguered people of North Korea. I was not allowed to use any recording devices or the use of a pencil or paper for my interview. The following is an account of my visit with the new people's leader.
Kim Jong-un was born January 8, 1984 to Kim Jong-Il's second mistress. He had a normal childhood by dictator standards. He killed his first domesticated animal when he was two with a sickle that he stole from the people's museum. His father rewarded him with his choice of prisoner to execute by firing squad.
By his teen years he had a golf course built on the family estate. He hid land mines all over the course and forced workers to retrieve golf balls. Those that survived were rewarded with a bowl of rice.
On his 21st birthday he celebrated by tossing babies into a pit of fire while dancing to Michael Jackson's Billy Jean.
I asked Jung Un what he planned to do now that his father has retired. He thought long and hard before answering. As it turns out, North Korea bought the sun during the 1960s. He intends to pass a resolution at the United Nations forcing all countries to pay rent for the light and heat he gives them or he will turn it off.
He made wild assertions during our one hour meeting. He claims that the movie Stargate is based upon his life. Jung Un also claims that his father bought Hollywood last October and intends to file piracy suits against all United States citizens that have watched a movie since acquiring the rights. He said that if the United States does not pay him 1 billion dollars, for our willful and deliberate theft of his royalties, he will personally release the secret formulas for Coca Cola and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I asked him whether he intended to invade the South. He said there was no reason to invade the South because he owned that as well. His father gave him the deed to South Korea when he was unanimously elected by the people to rule the Korean peninsula. Apparently North Korea has no shortage of food; he and his father instituted a weight enforcement program to insure that their country is not polluted with diabetes like the United States. He denied that there are health issues within the worker's paradise.
Before I was hog tied and thrown on a fishing boat for Japan, he told me that he will soon unveil an alternate fuel source for the world and intends on purchasing Michigan once GM files for bankruptcy. That ended our brief encounter.
Before I was carried out, I was forced to watch a documentary called The Manchurian Candidate. I suspect that he is crazy, but I am no longer allowed to say that word out loud or I will cluck like a chicken for some reason. Strange it started soon after I watched that dang documentary! Hmm.
Kim Jong-un was born January 8, 1984 to Kim Jong-Il's second mistress. He had a normal childhood by dictator standards. He killed his first domesticated animal when he was two with a sickle that he stole from the people's museum. His father rewarded him with his choice of prisoner to execute by firing squad.
By his teen years he had a golf course built on the family estate. He hid land mines all over the course and forced workers to retrieve golf balls. Those that survived were rewarded with a bowl of rice.
On his 21st birthday he celebrated by tossing babies into a pit of fire while dancing to Michael Jackson's Billy Jean.
I asked Jung Un what he planned to do now that his father has retired. He thought long and hard before answering. As it turns out, North Korea bought the sun during the 1960s. He intends to pass a resolution at the United Nations forcing all countries to pay rent for the light and heat he gives them or he will turn it off.
He made wild assertions during our one hour meeting. He claims that the movie Stargate is based upon his life. Jung Un also claims that his father bought Hollywood last October and intends to file piracy suits against all United States citizens that have watched a movie since acquiring the rights. He said that if the United States does not pay him 1 billion dollars, for our willful and deliberate theft of his royalties, he will personally release the secret formulas for Coca Cola and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I asked him whether he intended to invade the South. He said there was no reason to invade the South because he owned that as well. His father gave him the deed to South Korea when he was unanimously elected by the people to rule the Korean peninsula. Apparently North Korea has no shortage of food; he and his father instituted a weight enforcement program to insure that their country is not polluted with diabetes like the United States. He denied that there are health issues within the worker's paradise.
Before I was hog tied and thrown on a fishing boat for Japan, he told me that he will soon unveil an alternate fuel source for the world and intends on purchasing Michigan once GM files for bankruptcy. That ended our brief encounter.
Before I was carried out, I was forced to watch a documentary called The Manchurian Candidate. I suspect that he is crazy, but I am no longer allowed to say that word out loud or I will cluck like a chicken for some reason. Strange it started soon after I watched that dang documentary! Hmm.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Call In Your Damn Order!
Today we are not discussing world politics, it is time to take on an even greater evil--the bastard at Subway that walks in with fifteen orders!
I stopped by one of the eight thousand Subways in the Oklahoma City metro area today to purchase a refreshing, no taste, is as yummy as paper, Subway $5 sandwich. It is Sunday. There is no business crowd. I dedicated five minutes to this adventure. But no!
As I was walking into the store, I decided to be nice and polite and hold the door for some lady that might possibly be Susan Boyle's long lost sister. Yes, she had the face of Medusa and the body of a rhino, but chivalry is blind--right? I followed the shuffling beast to the front of the line to order my usual turkey sub. But hold on, the lady I just opened the door for pulled out an order list that would have made Santa stand in awe!
Now remember there are only two patrons in this "restaurant"--me and Mrs. Evil! She knows she's ordering enough sandwiches to feed Oliver's orphanage, but did she offer to let me jump ahead of her in line. No! I bet you are asking, "Why didn't you leave and find lunch someplace else?" I tell you why--a pure shot of rage is worth more than that crappy $5 sub! I couldn't, out of shock, anger, and dogged determination, walk away from this moment.
At approximately 12:32 p.m., old ugly started a run on the Subway rations. Oh but it gets better--she wanted each sandwich to be charged separately. By now I am glaring at this Oompa Loompa and praying that she would spontaneously combust or maybe remember she left her purse in the car. But not today! I moved to the side of the counter hoping that I could find a hidden employee on the phone, but no good. There was only one poor soul working the counter.
I looked at the sandwich goddess with pleading eyes thinking that she might intervene and suggest that I order first, but nope. This woman acted like she was working on commission! She was so excited you would think that Subway was about to give her a new trailer home. So what could I do besides retreat? Nothing, this was a fast food stalemate. I just stood there for fifteen minutes and twenty-two seconds before the sandwiches were wrapped and loaded at the register. (That time does not include individual cash purchases and the fumbling of change.)
Somehow I made it through this event without jumping behind the counter and throwing knives at Mrs. Poster Child For Abstinence. But my Zen like patience paid off and I walked out of Subway at close to one o'clock.
Why am I telling you this story? The truth is I have nothing else to write about, but I also present this as proof that good deeds do go unnoticed. In fact if I had it to do all over again, I would have parked so close to that witch that she would have had to get out of her car through the passenger door. Oh she could have banged on my Honda all she wanted with her door, but it wouldn't matter, my car should be taken to a field and shot anyhow.
I learned a valuable lesson. From now on Subway is not to be considered a family friendly neutral place to eat. Oh no! Subway is mortal combat! If you want to get in and out of there quickly you have to do some recon before entering. If you see somebody wearing stretch shorts, you run for that door even if you have to stiff arm them because chances are they are either ordering for a small army or they were the low person on the totem poll and were sent to order for a company that employs at least 50 hungry people.
This isn't my first rodeo with the line Grinch. Nope not at all. Another Suspect that must be watched carefully are persons dressed in scrubs. Yes, just last Thursday I stopped into one of the Subways downtown for lunch. But a man in scrubs from St. Anthony's hospital was in line with a blackberry full of orders. What prevented my newly reconstructed heart from exploding right there on the spot was the expert reaction of a business district Subway worker. She bumped me in front of Mr. Piss Pot and I was out of there in short order.
I know that some of you have experienced these vile human glitches in Mr. Darwin's theory, whether at a Subway or at your local grocery store. But I say enough is enough. If the rest of the people suffering through this injustice didn't act like they were in an old Soviet food line, we could stop this abuse. How? Well very simple. There are fliers all over Subways offering to fill orders via facsimile or email. Ah ha! It is time we employ some old fashion democratic values and toss these vermin out the door with a flier stapled to their forehead. Then we could all order and eat our paper sandwich in peace.
Well it has been nice, but I'm late for anger management class.
I stopped by one of the eight thousand Subways in the Oklahoma City metro area today to purchase a refreshing, no taste, is as yummy as paper, Subway $5 sandwich. It is Sunday. There is no business crowd. I dedicated five minutes to this adventure. But no!
As I was walking into the store, I decided to be nice and polite and hold the door for some lady that might possibly be Susan Boyle's long lost sister. Yes, she had the face of Medusa and the body of a rhino, but chivalry is blind--right? I followed the shuffling beast to the front of the line to order my usual turkey sub. But hold on, the lady I just opened the door for pulled out an order list that would have made Santa stand in awe!
Now remember there are only two patrons in this "restaurant"--me and Mrs. Evil! She knows she's ordering enough sandwiches to feed Oliver's orphanage, but did she offer to let me jump ahead of her in line. No! I bet you are asking, "Why didn't you leave and find lunch someplace else?" I tell you why--a pure shot of rage is worth more than that crappy $5 sub! I couldn't, out of shock, anger, and dogged determination, walk away from this moment.
At approximately 12:32 p.m., old ugly started a run on the Subway rations. Oh but it gets better--she wanted each sandwich to be charged separately. By now I am glaring at this Oompa Loompa and praying that she would spontaneously combust or maybe remember she left her purse in the car. But not today! I moved to the side of the counter hoping that I could find a hidden employee on the phone, but no good. There was only one poor soul working the counter.
I looked at the sandwich goddess with pleading eyes thinking that she might intervene and suggest that I order first, but nope. This woman acted like she was working on commission! She was so excited you would think that Subway was about to give her a new trailer home. So what could I do besides retreat? Nothing, this was a fast food stalemate. I just stood there for fifteen minutes and twenty-two seconds before the sandwiches were wrapped and loaded at the register. (That time does not include individual cash purchases and the fumbling of change.)
Somehow I made it through this event without jumping behind the counter and throwing knives at Mrs. Poster Child For Abstinence. But my Zen like patience paid off and I walked out of Subway at close to one o'clock.
Why am I telling you this story? The truth is I have nothing else to write about, but I also present this as proof that good deeds do go unnoticed. In fact if I had it to do all over again, I would have parked so close to that witch that she would have had to get out of her car through the passenger door. Oh she could have banged on my Honda all she wanted with her door, but it wouldn't matter, my car should be taken to a field and shot anyhow.
I learned a valuable lesson. From now on Subway is not to be considered a family friendly neutral place to eat. Oh no! Subway is mortal combat! If you want to get in and out of there quickly you have to do some recon before entering. If you see somebody wearing stretch shorts, you run for that door even if you have to stiff arm them because chances are they are either ordering for a small army or they were the low person on the totem poll and were sent to order for a company that employs at least 50 hungry people.
This isn't my first rodeo with the line Grinch. Nope not at all. Another Suspect that must be watched carefully are persons dressed in scrubs. Yes, just last Thursday I stopped into one of the Subways downtown for lunch. But a man in scrubs from St. Anthony's hospital was in line with a blackberry full of orders. What prevented my newly reconstructed heart from exploding right there on the spot was the expert reaction of a business district Subway worker. She bumped me in front of Mr. Piss Pot and I was out of there in short order.
I know that some of you have experienced these vile human glitches in Mr. Darwin's theory, whether at a Subway or at your local grocery store. But I say enough is enough. If the rest of the people suffering through this injustice didn't act like they were in an old Soviet food line, we could stop this abuse. How? Well very simple. There are fliers all over Subways offering to fill orders via facsimile or email. Ah ha! It is time we employ some old fashion democratic values and toss these vermin out the door with a flier stapled to their forehead. Then we could all order and eat our paper sandwich in peace.
Well it has been nice, but I'm late for anger management class.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Week In Review!
North Korea is back at it again--they have test fired their 6th missile. It appears that the problem in North Korea is even graver than I first imagined. President Kim only has the capacity to watch the Cartoon Network and I am certain a massive Sate funeral is soon to follow. The problem is there is no line of succession within the cult. If the military seizes control, then the stakes in the region will go up. Hopefully, some person with only mild insanity will be appointed heir to the starving worker's paradise and stop this nonsense. But we do not even have a representative of North Korea to negotiate with, so we'll just have to wait and see. (We should have let Mac take the country).
In popular news, "American Idol" winner, Adam Lambert is not sure whether he wants to become the front man for the band Queen. Brian May, the guitarist of Queen, stated that he would like to work with him. "Uh, Adam...Queen is second only to the Beetles in UK record sales. Beware of the gift horse!"
President Obama has announced that we must have health care reform within a year or never. Good luck with that. Is Hillary going to lead the way? Don't go on television with your new national health care card like Bill did before the deal is sealed. I suspect we will not see health care reform during his first term.
Laodicean was the golden ticket for one home grown 13 year old Kansas girl, by the name of Kavya Shivashanker, to take home the trophy from the National Spelling Bee. I predict she will complete medical school by the age of 19. With a name like Shivashanker, Laodicean was....well child's play.
Susan Boyle said the "F" word. She must have finally taken the blanket off of her mirror. We agree one hundred percent Susan. Keep singing show tunes, but please do not do a children's tour.
France failed to invite the Queen to the 65th anniversary of the D-Day Landings. When Britons rose up in anger France said, "oh she is welcome." She apparently stood on her balcony facing Paris and gave them the finger.
A Catholic priest had sex with a grown adult female. I know, shocking that it was not a young boy, but when confronted by the church, he said "see ya. I'm an Episcopal now." Apparently the Vatican ordered an investigation when his fitness reports stated that "he was in a most upbeat mood of lately." Also, when he replaced Gregorian Chant with Air Supply's "Every Woman in the World," people became suspicious.
In the world of crime, men handing out fitness pamphlets for a local fitness club told a mother that she was too fat and ate too many donuts. The Ft. Worth police were dispatched by the distraught mother's husband. Based upon interviews of the other women in the neighborhood, scene on http://www.cnn.com/, I am surprised that a SWAT team was not dispatched to avoid a public lynch mob. I suspect that Fitness 2000, the club in question, will soon see a reduction in its membership. Fools!
Lastly, George Bush gave a major speech in southwestern Michigan. I won't recap the entire speech, but only his closing. When asked what he hoped would be his legacy, Bush responded, "Well, I hope it is this: The man showed up with a set of principles, and he was unwilling to compromise his soul for the sake of popularity." Well Bushy, it looks like future events will increase your popularity--that is if they keep heading down the road countries like Iran and North Korea want us to travel. Enjoy your new freedom and take care of the dogs.
In popular news, "American Idol" winner, Adam Lambert is not sure whether he wants to become the front man for the band Queen. Brian May, the guitarist of Queen, stated that he would like to work with him. "Uh, Adam...Queen is second only to the Beetles in UK record sales. Beware of the gift horse!"
President Obama has announced that we must have health care reform within a year or never. Good luck with that. Is Hillary going to lead the way? Don't go on television with your new national health care card like Bill did before the deal is sealed. I suspect we will not see health care reform during his first term.
Laodicean was the golden ticket for one home grown 13 year old Kansas girl, by the name of Kavya Shivashanker, to take home the trophy from the National Spelling Bee. I predict she will complete medical school by the age of 19. With a name like Shivashanker, Laodicean was....well child's play.
Susan Boyle said the "F" word. She must have finally taken the blanket off of her mirror. We agree one hundred percent Susan. Keep singing show tunes, but please do not do a children's tour.
France failed to invite the Queen to the 65th anniversary of the D-Day Landings. When Britons rose up in anger France said, "oh she is welcome." She apparently stood on her balcony facing Paris and gave them the finger.
A Catholic priest had sex with a grown adult female. I know, shocking that it was not a young boy, but when confronted by the church, he said "see ya. I'm an Episcopal now." Apparently the Vatican ordered an investigation when his fitness reports stated that "he was in a most upbeat mood of lately." Also, when he replaced Gregorian Chant with Air Supply's "Every Woman in the World," people became suspicious.
In the world of crime, men handing out fitness pamphlets for a local fitness club told a mother that she was too fat and ate too many donuts. The Ft. Worth police were dispatched by the distraught mother's husband. Based upon interviews of the other women in the neighborhood, scene on http://www.cnn.com/, I am surprised that a SWAT team was not dispatched to avoid a public lynch mob. I suspect that Fitness 2000, the club in question, will soon see a reduction in its membership. Fools!
Lastly, George Bush gave a major speech in southwestern Michigan. I won't recap the entire speech, but only his closing. When asked what he hoped would be his legacy, Bush responded, "Well, I hope it is this: The man showed up with a set of principles, and he was unwilling to compromise his soul for the sake of popularity." Well Bushy, it looks like future events will increase your popularity--that is if they keep heading down the road countries like Iran and North Korea want us to travel. Enjoy your new freedom and take care of the dogs.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
North Korea--Oh Boy!
What a difference a day can make. Yesterday, I reported that the North Korean detonation of nuclear weapons last weekend was minor news. But today old Kim Jong-Il and his lunatic cabinet have come close to unwrapping Pandora's box.
In just forty-eight hours, North Korea has announced that the Armistice signalling the end of hostilities in the First Korean War is null and void. Then North Korea stated that they could no longer insure the safety of U.S. and South Korean warships near North Korea's western borders. North Korea stated that the U.S. and South Korean protests at the United Nations constituted an act of war and are in fact at war with the United States.
Now before we all start digging shelters in the back yard and start singing "duck and cover" songs to our children, we need to remember that we are still at war with North Korea. We signed an armistice not a peace treaty. So, their posturing must be taken with a grain of salt.
North Korea poses a major problem to the stability in that region. China has already told them to back down. China loves being a world power and does not want to be at war with the United States. The economic results would cripple their economy. Also, the Chinese navy does not stand a chance against the United States Navy. For all of you out there saying, "we can't win in Iraq, so how can we take on Korea?" I want you to remember that the United States Military is a master of conventional warfare. Where we fall short is in unconventional wars.
If we put our fleet into combat in that region, we will suffer losses, but any enemy navy will feel the chill of the cold depths of the Ocean. But we do not want this war. North Korea is one giant military. The people are brainwashed and cutoff from the rest of the world. North Korean leadership has no concern for sacrificing their population in a war. When a nuclear power has no fear of annihilation, then the result will be annihilation. The only way we can stop North Korea from taking the South, if they launch a full military invasion, is through the use of nuclear weapons.
North Korea is playing a deadly game. This may just be a test to see how strongly the Obama administration will react to their behavior. North Korea tried this under President Bush and in the end shutdown their nuclear reactors. Bush is out of office and along with that is President Bush's common sense policy--you attack us and we will destroy you! Most hate the Bush doctrine, but in this world of lunacy it protected us.
If this is not posturing and is the start of some sort of military option, we need to watch the Iranian border. It is presumed that North Korea has assisted Iran in its missile procurement program. North Korea would not stand tall and declare war if they did not have a trump card. That trump card may be an ally in a nuclear armed Iran.
We may face, for the first time since the Cuban missile crisis, the potential of United States ground troops being exposed to a nuclear theatre of war. I believe that this entire show is exactly that--it is a test of our current leaders. But if it is not then I suspect that we are in serious trouble.
I suspect that somewhere in the Pentagon, Generals are dusting off old war plans for North Korea and our submarines are running weapons launch drills as we speak. Obama and the world leaders must be prepared to place a boot on Kim's throat in order to solve this problem. I could go on and on about how Japan will step into this mess and China might possibly use the distraction to take Taiwan, but I'll wait and see what happens on the diplomacy front. Until then I'll be busy digging a shelter in the backyard.
In just forty-eight hours, North Korea has announced that the Armistice signalling the end of hostilities in the First Korean War is null and void. Then North Korea stated that they could no longer insure the safety of U.S. and South Korean warships near North Korea's western borders. North Korea stated that the U.S. and South Korean protests at the United Nations constituted an act of war and are in fact at war with the United States.
Now before we all start digging shelters in the back yard and start singing "duck and cover" songs to our children, we need to remember that we are still at war with North Korea. We signed an armistice not a peace treaty. So, their posturing must be taken with a grain of salt.
North Korea poses a major problem to the stability in that region. China has already told them to back down. China loves being a world power and does not want to be at war with the United States. The economic results would cripple their economy. Also, the Chinese navy does not stand a chance against the United States Navy. For all of you out there saying, "we can't win in Iraq, so how can we take on Korea?" I want you to remember that the United States Military is a master of conventional warfare. Where we fall short is in unconventional wars.
If we put our fleet into combat in that region, we will suffer losses, but any enemy navy will feel the chill of the cold depths of the Ocean. But we do not want this war. North Korea is one giant military. The people are brainwashed and cutoff from the rest of the world. North Korean leadership has no concern for sacrificing their population in a war. When a nuclear power has no fear of annihilation, then the result will be annihilation. The only way we can stop North Korea from taking the South, if they launch a full military invasion, is through the use of nuclear weapons.
North Korea is playing a deadly game. This may just be a test to see how strongly the Obama administration will react to their behavior. North Korea tried this under President Bush and in the end shutdown their nuclear reactors. Bush is out of office and along with that is President Bush's common sense policy--you attack us and we will destroy you! Most hate the Bush doctrine, but in this world of lunacy it protected us.
If this is not posturing and is the start of some sort of military option, we need to watch the Iranian border. It is presumed that North Korea has assisted Iran in its missile procurement program. North Korea would not stand tall and declare war if they did not have a trump card. That trump card may be an ally in a nuclear armed Iran.
We may face, for the first time since the Cuban missile crisis, the potential of United States ground troops being exposed to a nuclear theatre of war. I believe that this entire show is exactly that--it is a test of our current leaders. But if it is not then I suspect that we are in serious trouble.
I suspect that somewhere in the Pentagon, Generals are dusting off old war plans for North Korea and our submarines are running weapons launch drills as we speak. Obama and the world leaders must be prepared to place a boot on Kim's throat in order to solve this problem. I could go on and on about how Japan will step into this mess and China might possibly use the distraction to take Taiwan, but I'll wait and see what happens on the diplomacy front. Until then I'll be busy digging a shelter in the backyard.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Another Day of Blah!
Memorial Day has come and gone, but our cycle of insignificant news continues. Let's review some headlines.
North Korea tested nuclear weapons this weekend. I suspect we will send a strongly worded letter saying, "if you don't stop we'll....well do nothing I guess." What can we do? We are not having a second go at the North Koreans, so they'll just keep on making bombs while their people starve and develop bizarre diseases from malnutrition.
We have a new Supreme Court nominee. Yeah! I suspect somewhere there is a machine that makes Federal Judges. You throw in some ingredients and voila! You have a judge that grew up without a parent, somehow was accepted to Princeton and Yale, and is now headed to the top of the Judicial food chain. Seriously, are there any Judges at the highest levels that were not impoverished savants?
If we must see Susan Boyle's face every single day in the media, I hereby demand that Oprah form an intervention!!! That woman didn't just fall off the ugly tree; she landed and took a beating from Bigfoot! Please somebody, give her a makeover or a hood to wear. Good Lord I heard she visited the ZSL London Zoo and all of the male animals went sterile! I suspect there is a surgeon somewhere ready to accept a Nobel Prize for that fixer upper!
Well, I've run out of things to say, so I am off to go interview the Queen's security detail to explain how they let an employee sell tours of their most secure areas. If I make it back without being locked in the Tower of London, I'll fill you in.
North Korea tested nuclear weapons this weekend. I suspect we will send a strongly worded letter saying, "if you don't stop we'll....well do nothing I guess." What can we do? We are not having a second go at the North Koreans, so they'll just keep on making bombs while their people starve and develop bizarre diseases from malnutrition.
We have a new Supreme Court nominee. Yeah! I suspect somewhere there is a machine that makes Federal Judges. You throw in some ingredients and voila! You have a judge that grew up without a parent, somehow was accepted to Princeton and Yale, and is now headed to the top of the Judicial food chain. Seriously, are there any Judges at the highest levels that were not impoverished savants?
If we must see Susan Boyle's face every single day in the media, I hereby demand that Oprah form an intervention!!! That woman didn't just fall off the ugly tree; she landed and took a beating from Bigfoot! Please somebody, give her a makeover or a hood to wear. Good Lord I heard she visited the ZSL London Zoo and all of the male animals went sterile! I suspect there is a surgeon somewhere ready to accept a Nobel Prize for that fixer upper!
Well, I've run out of things to say, so I am off to go interview the Queen's security detail to explain how they let an employee sell tours of their most secure areas. If I make it back without being locked in the Tower of London, I'll fill you in.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Zachary Boyd Loves New York!
The 1st battalion of the 26th infantry is encamped in the famous Korengal valley. Why is it famous? Well, back in the 1980s, the Soviet Union attempted a surge right into this nasty little patch of earth. The Soviets progressed deeply into the valley before they were attacked and eventually bled out of existence.
Now you know that Korengal is no place for the weak. It is a symbolic area for the Taliban and Al Qaeda and has vast natural defenses. On May 11, 2009, Camp Restrepo, nestled in the Korengal valley came under attack. Specialist Zachary Boyd, threw on his body armor, grabbed his helmet and made modern military history.
No, he didn't go and kill Osama--we all wish. He didn't take on a thousand men with only a knife. What he did do was wind up on the Internet dressed in flip flops, pink boxers that say "I love New York," and a red shirt underneath his body armor.
He wasn't making a statement. Zachary was asleep at the time of the attack and in Afghanistan you don't wait around to see if you are needed--you go straight to the fight! Remember this land is a super power widow maker!
The good news is, Specialist Boyd will not lose his job and received praise from Secretary of Defense Gates for his courage. We should praise him! There are some out there claiming that his actions are an embarrassment to the army. Well Korengal is a diseased and insect infected land from hell. The terrain shreds our nice little uniforms and there are reports of men wearing dog collars to keep away bugs.
Zachary Boyd, I hope you get some rest and hot chow this Memorial Day! I suspect as this story continues to grow you will know how much America respects you! Oh, and the South Park boxers I mailed you should be there in about a month. Good luck man and keep your head down! (For a look at the photograph, please go to http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104493189.)
Now you know that Korengal is no place for the weak. It is a symbolic area for the Taliban and Al Qaeda and has vast natural defenses. On May 11, 2009, Camp Restrepo, nestled in the Korengal valley came under attack. Specialist Zachary Boyd, threw on his body armor, grabbed his helmet and made modern military history.
No, he didn't go and kill Osama--we all wish. He didn't take on a thousand men with only a knife. What he did do was wind up on the Internet dressed in flip flops, pink boxers that say "I love New York," and a red shirt underneath his body armor.
He wasn't making a statement. Zachary was asleep at the time of the attack and in Afghanistan you don't wait around to see if you are needed--you go straight to the fight! Remember this land is a super power widow maker!
The good news is, Specialist Boyd will not lose his job and received praise from Secretary of Defense Gates for his courage. We should praise him! There are some out there claiming that his actions are an embarrassment to the army. Well Korengal is a diseased and insect infected land from hell. The terrain shreds our nice little uniforms and there are reports of men wearing dog collars to keep away bugs.
Zachary Boyd, I hope you get some rest and hot chow this Memorial Day! I suspect as this story continues to grow you will know how much America respects you! Oh, and the South Park boxers I mailed you should be there in about a month. Good luck man and keep your head down! (For a look at the photograph, please go to http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104493189.)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
KBR--You are Suspect!!!
I want everybody to take themselves away from their nice air conditioned home or office and imagine, if possible, that you are sitting in your barracks in Iraq. The date is January 2, 2008.
You are sitting back after a long day training Iraqi forces to protect their country. You are not an average soldier deployed to Iraq. You are a weapons expert in the 5th Special Forces group of the United States Army. It took you almost two years of your life to earn the coveted green beret and to become a master of all NATO and foreign weapons. Your job is to make sure that all of the weapons on your team function perfectly and the weapons of the Iraqis have bullets and are capable of firing. On top of that you are a master of counter insurgency warfare and can speak multiple languages. You are just as comfortable in battle as you are instructing a town on the proper way to build a water well or sewage drain.
Up to this point in your career, your time in SF has been exemplary. You have a plan and a fall back plan. First, you want to try out for the elite counter terrorist group known as the Special Forces Operational Detachment--Delta, aka Delta Force. The Unit selection process is one of the most grueling in the world and lasts for another year or more of your life. The Unit's training process is so secret that the government does not even acknowledge that it exists. But it is well known that it is based upon the famed British Special Air Services' selection process. If that fails you plan on applying to the Army Warrant Officer flight program to become a helicopter pilot.
You are currently fighting a war, but that does not stop your ambition. You are one of America's finest soldiers and hope to become a member of the best of the best. Your commanders revere your abilities and award you for your service. Only one year into your time as a Green Beret, you feel content, but anxious for a new challenge.
Back at your barracks you are given the chance to take a shower and get rid of the Iraqi sand that seems to penetrate every inch of your body. When you eat, you feel the grit of sand in your mouth. Your eyes, ears, nose, and any other imaginable place are caked with sand. You are ready to go scrub yourself in the base shower, even if the water is polluted and you are likely to catch some god forsaken disease from the water. You don't care. If you only had a muddy puddle of water to scrub in you would do it.
You grab your bathroom kit and head off for a few minutes of comfort. You hop into the shower and immediately feel something grab you. That is the last memory you will ever have. Your friends find you dead on the shower floor suffering from cardiac arrest. All that you have been through and it is not a bullet that takes your life, it isn't a road side bomb, it isn't a mortar that fell on your bed. It is the electrical wiring in the bathroom that was improperly installed!
Your name is Staff Sgt. Ryan D. Maseth and you have died of a heart attack at the age of twenty four because the contractor in charge of wiring your bathroom did not meet proper industry standards. Your parents at home will learn of your death and be shocked. Your brother serving in the 82nd Airborne will learn that you have fallen, not from the enemy, but from taking a shower. Special Forces lost one of their best and America lost a cherished son who ran head first into the most dangerous of professions in the world. There will be no Delta Force. There will be no flight school. All of your dreams lost because of poor wiring in a room where water is going to hit the floor.
The Army investigates and determines that your death is the result of negligent homicide. But today the President and CEO of KBR defends the work that they perform in Iraq. The reason why? Iraq is a difficult place to work. Why is he speaking now? The army hired an electrician to inspect their buildings in Iraq. His findings--90% or 70,000 buildings are not up to code. What does KBR say? Well we were expected to meet British codes not American codes.
All of his excuses do not matter. We lost one of our finest soldiers due to incompetent wiring. Sgt. Maseth was willing to give 100% in the worlds worst conditions. I guess it is too much to ask that those making millions of dollars off of military contracts to give a little extra effort for our men and women fighting a nasty war. Maseth was one of three electrocuted because of this work and there are many more wounded because of the wiring.
Well KBR, you let our service men and women down, their families, and the United States people who depend upon our soldiers for our safety and freedom. Your excuse that the environment was "extraordinary" and that you did your best simply does not cut it! Your excuse is suspect!
This weekend remember Staff Sgt. Ryan Maseth and all of those who have fallen in that mess we call Iraq.
You are sitting back after a long day training Iraqi forces to protect their country. You are not an average soldier deployed to Iraq. You are a weapons expert in the 5th Special Forces group of the United States Army. It took you almost two years of your life to earn the coveted green beret and to become a master of all NATO and foreign weapons. Your job is to make sure that all of the weapons on your team function perfectly and the weapons of the Iraqis have bullets and are capable of firing. On top of that you are a master of counter insurgency warfare and can speak multiple languages. You are just as comfortable in battle as you are instructing a town on the proper way to build a water well or sewage drain.
Up to this point in your career, your time in SF has been exemplary. You have a plan and a fall back plan. First, you want to try out for the elite counter terrorist group known as the Special Forces Operational Detachment--Delta, aka Delta Force. The Unit selection process is one of the most grueling in the world and lasts for another year or more of your life. The Unit's training process is so secret that the government does not even acknowledge that it exists. But it is well known that it is based upon the famed British Special Air Services' selection process. If that fails you plan on applying to the Army Warrant Officer flight program to become a helicopter pilot.
You are currently fighting a war, but that does not stop your ambition. You are one of America's finest soldiers and hope to become a member of the best of the best. Your commanders revere your abilities and award you for your service. Only one year into your time as a Green Beret, you feel content, but anxious for a new challenge.
Back at your barracks you are given the chance to take a shower and get rid of the Iraqi sand that seems to penetrate every inch of your body. When you eat, you feel the grit of sand in your mouth. Your eyes, ears, nose, and any other imaginable place are caked with sand. You are ready to go scrub yourself in the base shower, even if the water is polluted and you are likely to catch some god forsaken disease from the water. You don't care. If you only had a muddy puddle of water to scrub in you would do it.
You grab your bathroom kit and head off for a few minutes of comfort. You hop into the shower and immediately feel something grab you. That is the last memory you will ever have. Your friends find you dead on the shower floor suffering from cardiac arrest. All that you have been through and it is not a bullet that takes your life, it isn't a road side bomb, it isn't a mortar that fell on your bed. It is the electrical wiring in the bathroom that was improperly installed!
Your name is Staff Sgt. Ryan D. Maseth and you have died of a heart attack at the age of twenty four because the contractor in charge of wiring your bathroom did not meet proper industry standards. Your parents at home will learn of your death and be shocked. Your brother serving in the 82nd Airborne will learn that you have fallen, not from the enemy, but from taking a shower. Special Forces lost one of their best and America lost a cherished son who ran head first into the most dangerous of professions in the world. There will be no Delta Force. There will be no flight school. All of your dreams lost because of poor wiring in a room where water is going to hit the floor.
The Army investigates and determines that your death is the result of negligent homicide. But today the President and CEO of KBR defends the work that they perform in Iraq. The reason why? Iraq is a difficult place to work. Why is he speaking now? The army hired an electrician to inspect their buildings in Iraq. His findings--90% or 70,000 buildings are not up to code. What does KBR say? Well we were expected to meet British codes not American codes.
All of his excuses do not matter. We lost one of our finest soldiers due to incompetent wiring. Sgt. Maseth was willing to give 100% in the worlds worst conditions. I guess it is too much to ask that those making millions of dollars off of military contracts to give a little extra effort for our men and women fighting a nasty war. Maseth was one of three electrocuted because of this work and there are many more wounded because of the wiring.
Well KBR, you let our service men and women down, their families, and the United States people who depend upon our soldiers for our safety and freedom. Your excuse that the environment was "extraordinary" and that you did your best simply does not cut it! Your excuse is suspect!
This weekend remember Staff Sgt. Ryan Maseth and all of those who have fallen in that mess we call Iraq.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Iran! What would Georgie Patton say?
After learning that Iran successfully tested the Sajjil-2 surface-to-surface missile today, I placed a call to the psychic hot line. I asked Madame Tarot to place an urgent call to George Patton for me. All of this at a cost of .99 cents per minute. It was well worth the cost.
A few minutes later, a high pitched angry voice came booming through my speaker phone. "Who in the hell called me while I was water boarding Hitler?"
"Well sir, I did, but it is for a good reason," I replied.
"Well get on with it, I'm not through with that turd. He has a few more centuries to go!"
"General, the country of Iran, under the control of a mad man by the name of Ahmadinejad, has successfully tested a surface-to-surface missile. He also has a nuclear energy program that he claims is for the peaceful use of energy production only. But we know he is no friend of the West as he has sent Special Forces into Iraq to deliver weapons systems to kill U.S. soldiers. I am somewhat concerned about this recent development and want to know what you would do sir?"
"Christ, uh no sir I wasn't talking to you Jesus, I was merely blaspheming out loud at the weakness of my people. Sorry for the disruption, the rules are kind of strict up here and I have, well been reprimanded about 2,652 times. The last time I told them to just give me a sword and send me to hell to slay the Devil, but they won't let me.
"Sorry I got off on a tangent. Listen up and listen well! You people have your heads planted firmly up your arses! Iran is a cancer as evil as any that you have faced. It is time to take all of those fancy "stealth weapons" and bomb that place until carpets are the only viable means of transportation. Are you listening to me?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. I'd come down there and kick his ass myself, but I am busy using enhanced interrogation tactics on Hitler, and I am trying my best to wage war on the Devil. I don't have time for your pantywaisted requests anymore. Get it through your head--you do not build a weapons system and a nuclear energy program at the same time to enhance world peace. You do it to achieve world domination! But who listens to me anyway? I tried to tell you the Russians wouldn't give Eastern Europe back, but nooo, I'm just a madman who tells lies about uncle Joe. Well I was right wasn't I! And I am right again! Go grab his big nose and kick him in the ass and see how he likes it. Now tell that Tarot lady that I am not to be disturbed for at least another decade. Patton out!"
Well as you can see, the General showed genuine concern over the growing threat of Iran. I think we should take his advice, but I guess that would not further our policy of making friends these days. I do not understand what happened to America. We used to take crazed national leaders with real or possible nuclear capabilities seriously. But now we just say the obvious on the news and do nothing about it. Ah..If only "Old Blood and Guts" was still alive.
I suspect that seismographs in France are going crazy as the General rolls in his grave.
A few minutes later, a high pitched angry voice came booming through my speaker phone. "Who in the hell called me while I was water boarding Hitler?"
"Well sir, I did, but it is for a good reason," I replied.
"Well get on with it, I'm not through with that turd. He has a few more centuries to go!"
"General, the country of Iran, under the control of a mad man by the name of Ahmadinejad, has successfully tested a surface-to-surface missile. He also has a nuclear energy program that he claims is for the peaceful use of energy production only. But we know he is no friend of the West as he has sent Special Forces into Iraq to deliver weapons systems to kill U.S. soldiers. I am somewhat concerned about this recent development and want to know what you would do sir?"
"Christ, uh no sir I wasn't talking to you Jesus, I was merely blaspheming out loud at the weakness of my people. Sorry for the disruption, the rules are kind of strict up here and I have, well been reprimanded about 2,652 times. The last time I told them to just give me a sword and send me to hell to slay the Devil, but they won't let me.
"Sorry I got off on a tangent. Listen up and listen well! You people have your heads planted firmly up your arses! Iran is a cancer as evil as any that you have faced. It is time to take all of those fancy "stealth weapons" and bomb that place until carpets are the only viable means of transportation. Are you listening to me?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. I'd come down there and kick his ass myself, but I am busy using enhanced interrogation tactics on Hitler, and I am trying my best to wage war on the Devil. I don't have time for your pantywaisted requests anymore. Get it through your head--you do not build a weapons system and a nuclear energy program at the same time to enhance world peace. You do it to achieve world domination! But who listens to me anyway? I tried to tell you the Russians wouldn't give Eastern Europe back, but nooo, I'm just a madman who tells lies about uncle Joe. Well I was right wasn't I! And I am right again! Go grab his big nose and kick him in the ass and see how he likes it. Now tell that Tarot lady that I am not to be disturbed for at least another decade. Patton out!"
Well as you can see, the General showed genuine concern over the growing threat of Iran. I think we should take his advice, but I guess that would not further our policy of making friends these days. I do not understand what happened to America. We used to take crazed national leaders with real or possible nuclear capabilities seriously. But now we just say the obvious on the news and do nothing about it. Ah..If only "Old Blood and Guts" was still alive.
I suspect that seismographs in France are going crazy as the General rolls in his grave.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I suspect that warmer weather is affecting the news.
After a thorough search of this morning's headlines, I am convinced that the world is taking a short break from idiocy to enjoy our last moments of Spring before the heat wave of summer makes us all irritable.
Let's see--in the news this week we have looked deep into the heart of Notre Dame to see if the great modern orator could change the Catholic school's position on abortion. I suspect not. He should have spent his time having them pass a donation plate to buy out Charlie Weis' contract.
News from the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu paid a visit. President Obama asked Mr. Netanyahu to begin peace negotiations with Palestine and Iran. Mr. Netanyahu merely stated that any country coming to the table must acknowledge Israel as a State. He did not mention that they must change their half century stance as a precondition to negotiations, but I suspect that is what he was implying. I suspect that there will be "momentous" peace talks in Europe or at the White House and in the end all parties will give each other the finger, go home and fire up their war machines. Netanyahu is a man of action and will not sit through another round of talks where Israel gives in to 99% of the Palestinian demands only to be snubbed in the end.
With summer just over the horizon, what are my predictions? I believe the war in Afghanistan will turn extremely violent this summer. The allied coalition will begin pounding Taliban main supply routes while Pakistan lays waste to its border region. This summer will be the defining moment in this theatre of war. If we do not succeed before next year's winter or come very close to succeeding, we will stalemate and the war will drag on.
In Iraq, the status quo will prevail. The people will nervously sit by and count the days until our withdrawal while the insurgency will quietly blend in with the populace. There will be a few bombings and attacks on coalition troops, but with an imminent withdrawal in place, they will wait for their moment to seize the state once we leave. I suspect a calm before a terrible storm in Iraq.
On the home front, I suspect that the economy will slowly start to grab some momentum. The credit card crash has yet to arrive, but it is on its way. However, banks should start relaxing their grips on their money and offering crucial business loans to help jump start the economy. The banking system will finally stabilize and we will see an upturn in jobs over the next 6 to 12 months. However, the housing situation will not change. We have just about hit bottom, so that means the over inflated housing and mortgage industry is about to reach equilibrium. It was a house of cards that many in the industry predicted would collapse. Although, the rate of foreclosures will decrease, housing costs will still be bottom dollar and this time around, home ownership will remain low for the foreseeable future. I suspect times will remain tough for most Americans for at least another two years or until a new technological break through in the automobile industry or the computer industry brings about a major worldwide economic upturn. Just think in less than a decade, the keyboard I am using will be obsolete. The whole world will be using touch screen technology. That means thousands of new computers to be sold. The question is, will we lead the change or will it come from Asia? I suspect both, since we cannot manufacture goods cheaply in the United States.
On the entertainment side of things, I believe there will be a whole host of adopted children entering Hollywood. High priced baby snatching is all the rage amongst the Hollywood elite. I suspect that it is too much to ask them to adopt a needy American child. Also, we will continue to see a decline in the movie industry as more people stay at home and rent movies through their cable or satellite provider. I hope that the theater industry remains strong, but like music stores I suspect their days are numbered.
Well that rounds up my daily list of garbled thoughts. There simply is nothing to talk about, but I'll keep my eye out there and I suspect something of real interest will come along.
Let's see--in the news this week we have looked deep into the heart of Notre Dame to see if the great modern orator could change the Catholic school's position on abortion. I suspect not. He should have spent his time having them pass a donation plate to buy out Charlie Weis' contract.
News from the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu paid a visit. President Obama asked Mr. Netanyahu to begin peace negotiations with Palestine and Iran. Mr. Netanyahu merely stated that any country coming to the table must acknowledge Israel as a State. He did not mention that they must change their half century stance as a precondition to negotiations, but I suspect that is what he was implying. I suspect that there will be "momentous" peace talks in Europe or at the White House and in the end all parties will give each other the finger, go home and fire up their war machines. Netanyahu is a man of action and will not sit through another round of talks where Israel gives in to 99% of the Palestinian demands only to be snubbed in the end.
With summer just over the horizon, what are my predictions? I believe the war in Afghanistan will turn extremely violent this summer. The allied coalition will begin pounding Taliban main supply routes while Pakistan lays waste to its border region. This summer will be the defining moment in this theatre of war. If we do not succeed before next year's winter or come very close to succeeding, we will stalemate and the war will drag on.
In Iraq, the status quo will prevail. The people will nervously sit by and count the days until our withdrawal while the insurgency will quietly blend in with the populace. There will be a few bombings and attacks on coalition troops, but with an imminent withdrawal in place, they will wait for their moment to seize the state once we leave. I suspect a calm before a terrible storm in Iraq.
On the home front, I suspect that the economy will slowly start to grab some momentum. The credit card crash has yet to arrive, but it is on its way. However, banks should start relaxing their grips on their money and offering crucial business loans to help jump start the economy. The banking system will finally stabilize and we will see an upturn in jobs over the next 6 to 12 months. However, the housing situation will not change. We have just about hit bottom, so that means the over inflated housing and mortgage industry is about to reach equilibrium. It was a house of cards that many in the industry predicted would collapse. Although, the rate of foreclosures will decrease, housing costs will still be bottom dollar and this time around, home ownership will remain low for the foreseeable future. I suspect times will remain tough for most Americans for at least another two years or until a new technological break through in the automobile industry or the computer industry brings about a major worldwide economic upturn. Just think in less than a decade, the keyboard I am using will be obsolete. The whole world will be using touch screen technology. That means thousands of new computers to be sold. The question is, will we lead the change or will it come from Asia? I suspect both, since we cannot manufacture goods cheaply in the United States.
On the entertainment side of things, I believe there will be a whole host of adopted children entering Hollywood. High priced baby snatching is all the rage amongst the Hollywood elite. I suspect that it is too much to ask them to adopt a needy American child. Also, we will continue to see a decline in the movie industry as more people stay at home and rent movies through their cable or satellite provider. I hope that the theater industry remains strong, but like music stores I suspect their days are numbered.
Well that rounds up my daily list of garbled thoughts. There simply is nothing to talk about, but I'll keep my eye out there and I suspect something of real interest will come along.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Welcome!
This page is called Suspect for one reason--Everything we see, read, and are taught is suspect. To uncover the truth, you must seek out and learn what is real and what is sound bite fodder. Whether you are at work or home, this is a safe place where you can share your thoughts about politics, the war, sports, movie stars, etc. This is a friendly environment, sort of, so you perverts take your crap somewhere else! Also, nothing is sacred here--sarcasm, rants, lunacy, and general hyperbole are all allowed. So, sit back, take a read, and enjoy.
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