Letter to My Dell Technical Support Representative

Dear Raj,

I apologize for not addressing you by your entire name. For some reason, I had a very difficult time understanding you. It could have been my hearing or just a bad connection between Oklahoma City and Mumbai, India. I want to thank you for spending seven hours on the phone with me to fix a very simple computer issue.

As you may recall, I placed a call to my Dell Gold Technical Support hot line. You were kind enough to answer and take down all of the information proving that I was who I said I was. I know you must receive hundreds of calls a day from people looking to spend a chunk of their life on the phone with you that they will never be able to get back.

I had a simple problem. The stand alone monitor connected to my notebook just up and started showing a one inch black border on the top and bottom of the screen. This has happened twice before and in the past the problem was solved in less than 30 minutes. But you my friend are much more thorough and you wanted to find the source of this evil computer configuration.

We began our conversation at roughly 9:00 a.m. central standard time and I want you to know all of the exciting things that happened during our day together. As soon as I realized that you were going to go through every worthless diagnostic procedure, I simply passed you off to a portable phone and began my daily chores.

At around 9:30, I received a can of Poop Freeze by Federal Express from Skymall. While you were asking me to check my video driver settings, I was outside spraying a recent deposit from my trusty chow with this new invention. It worked like a charm. Soon I had a frozen piece of doggy waste that was easy to clean up. A miracle product I say. And no, I do not allow animals to chew on my computer as you suggested. I do not know whether that is a problem in Mumbai, but I prefer not to allow my dog to surf the Internet--there are too many nefarious characters out there for his sensitive and overly friendly nature.

With the miracle of Bluetooth technology, I was able to take you to lunch. We shared a nice grilled chicken salad and glass of ice tea. In deference to your religious practices, I chose not to order beef. I believe we both enjoyed the lunch. And yes, I rebooted my computer every time you told me to do so.

Next we ventured off to the courthouse to file some motions in a case I was working on. It is amazing how I was able to unplug my computer and reinstall all of the software mailed with my shiny new dell three years ago. But we did it. I say we are quite the team.

I then went to my office where I was able to mail four letters, conduct three conference calls, and electronically file three documents in Federal court. You have the patience of a Buddhist god my friend. Just curious, how is life in Mumbai? Did you meet the cast of Slum Dog Millionaire? Sorry for getting off topic, but I have to know. Hey would you like a can of Poop Freeze? I bet you need it there after seeing what life is like in the slums. Do you live in the slums or do you have a plush apartment? Write me back, I am curious.

After reinstalling all of my software, or so you thought, we went to workout. I put in an hour on the treadmill and your demanding voice was better than having a Marine Corps drill instructor singing cadence. Wow you should become a motivational speaker.

Finally, when all else failed, you had me perform a system restore, which was probably the first thing we should have done, back to May 1, 2009 and guess what? Everything worked great.

Raj, I have to say that you are the best. I never knew that I could complete an entire day of work on the phone with a Dell technical rep. I've met several, but you are by far the best. I only understood about four words that you told me, but we fixed the problem. I have to say that Dell is without a doubt the leader in telephone technical support. You guys are fast and thorough and it only took seven hours!

I feel like we became special friends today. I would like to travel to Mumbai to repay you for your services. I have to visit North Korea and Iran as a United States Envoy in the next week, but I'm sure I can make a stop in that most luxurious of cities. Do you have time to show me the sites? Call me. You have all of my contact information and I'd love to meet up with you. Bring your family, I think they would love to see the face of one of your happiest customers.

Oh, I'm going to be mailing you a lead pipe, a pair of rubber gloves, and a giant anchor because I cannot get those through airline security these days. These are standard travel luxuries for any Americans. Hey, I hear that you can take a wonderful boat tour of the Mumbai area. I hear that night time is best. I look forward to seeing you and don't forget to bring the goods I mailed you.

Your pal and favorite customer,

Mr. Suspect