News From Tehran!

I hope this news finds all of my faithful happy and cool...It is hot as Satan's sauna here! Yes, I made it back to Tehran. It was difficult, but I disguised myself as a Swiss negotiator. I wore a red cross button on a pair of Lederhosen while swilling down cup after cup of Swiss Miss cocoa. It worked...They aren't too bright!

I managed to sneak in an encrypted satellite phone that I purchased with my back to school grant from President Obama. He was even nice enough to send it to me straight from the National Security Agency. But I just couldn't carry it through customs. I had to put it inside of a robot goat I purchased from Japan that I said was an offering to stop the blood shed. I stuffed it with cigarettes and samples of Drakkoir Noir. As soon as the goat was opened, I dove on the phone and climbed through the pile of customs workers fighting for the goodies left inside.

I managed to meet up with my contact named "Bob" and made it to a safe house. From there I applied a liberal dose of self tanning lotion, grabbed my sling shot, gas mask, back pack of Molotov cocktails, and Jack Daniels in case of wounds--I would not want an infection or a cut that I could feel!

I made it to the streets earlier today just as the riot police fired cans of tear gas into the crowd. I had a megaphone, with a taped message made by Jesse Ventura in Farsi, that informed the crowd that all of their cigarettes were in the pockets of the cops. The crowd broke out into a blood curdling scream that would have sent all 300 Spartans running for their home.

I hung back with the intellectual crowd and asked them what they wanted from these acts of direct civil obedience. Here is a list of some of the things that they desire:

1. Paris Hilton sex tapes;
2. Micheal Jackson live in Revolution Square;
3. A national referendum to ban Angelina Jolie from adopting Iranian children;
4. A wet Chador (the body length black cloak) contest with the losers stoned to death;
5. Iranian Idol;
6. Showers;
7. Toilets;
8. A Susan Boyle live compilation album;
9. Hillary Clinton in a Chador;
10. Botox--Now!;
11. Grass;
12. Rain;
13. Proposition 9 that bans the lewd and lascivious act of "goat roping". (I didn't ask);
14. Chrysler Automobiles;
15. Kool Cigarettes;
16. Death to radio host Delilah;
17. A Spice Girls Reunion;
18. Music on MTV;
19. ipods for their bootlegged music;
20. Donny Osmond to become Supreme Leader of all of Iran.

The youth of Iran are deeply centered around the political future of their country based upon these simple demands.

I wanted to continue my conversation, but "Bob" has arranged for a meeting with Ahmadinejad, so I must go prepare. But in all honesty the one factor that all of the talking heads have ignored to date, is what will the Iranian armed forces do? They have the strength and power to seize the country in a coup, but will they. If the country falls, what happens to the nuclear weapons program?

I will explore these answers tomorrow. After my interview, I am headed to the nuclear reactors with a special laser "camera" that President Obama told me to hold very steady and wait for something really neat to happen. Oh I can't wait. I can't figure out why it has United States Army Special Operations Forces Laser Marker written on the side. Hmm...only time will tell.