Hey Punxsuntuwaney Phil--Shhh!

I believe in just about everything. I believe aliens crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. I believe that the University of Texas is a tool of the devil because of its "Hook'em" hand gesture. I believe JFK was killed by Mafia sharpshooters flown in from France. I believe Queen Elizabeth had Diana offed in the Paris tunnel.

I however do not believe that a ground hog can see his own shadow. Listen this year has been tough. We had to listen to and see all of the Michael Jackson tributes. My favorite was when the FBI took his name off of the national sex offender registry. Obama dropped the ball on health care, movies stars continue to die, Tim Tebow wept, Susan Boyle sang, and we've had a whole mess of natural disasters. But Phil please stop seeing your shadow! We had 3 inches of ice and six inches of snow in 24 hours last week bud. I think it is time for you to get with the program. We like global warming! Heat up this land!

I'm not real sure how he got his name. How did he get his job? Maybe the people that thought up the original Coca Cola recipe of cocaine and caffeine said, "Hey let's get a ground hog, lock him up, and stick him out in the sun in the middle of the winter. And if he sees his shadow? Six more weeks of winter!" Does anybody else wonder how certain traditions begin? This is definitely one of them.

Well I'm off to Juarez to see if I can stop the violence, but I suspect that I will have more to add about that stupid hog later.

Back Online!

Sorry I have not written since July. After watching George Clooney stare at goats, I decided to walk to Washington State to stare at Sasquatch. Why you ask? I say why not? But I wanted to see if I could convince the elusive creature, through the use of mind control, to sneak into Pakistan and locate Bin Laden. Although I found the mighty beast, I discovered that Sasquatch is a highly intelligent creature and speaks with a hybrid British accent. They are also vegans and have hired an attorney to sue Jack Links Jerky for depicting them in a false light. They refused my request to locate and eat Bin Laden because they are a bunch of tree hugging leftist apes that only want status as regular citizens and universal health care. Doom on you Sasquatch!

During my journey, I kept a diary of world events. Here are some of my observations over the past seven months:

1. Brad and Angelina have broken up or come close to it approximately 372 times according to my tally.
2. Susan Boyle almost had the best selling album of the year. What is wrong with this world?
3. Keith Richards gave up drinking. (Pray--the rapture is coming!)
4. James Cameron invented blue people and is making millions. I wonder how the smurfs feel?
5. Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards has a love child and a sex tape. I hear there are plans for him and Paris Hilton to star in a film together called "John's Weekend in Paris!"
6. The Entertainment industry is re-recording "We Are The World" to help Haiti. That should solve the problem seeing how the last song cured all of Africa's troubles.
7. Tiger Woods--You slept with a Perkins diner waitress! That is hilarious. "Hey Tiger how did you lose half of your money? I slept with a Perkins diner waitress." That is glorious Tiger!
8. Leno is back. I loved your interview with Oprah. Way to play the victim. You are a hack and your show is lame. NBC what is wrong with you? You once brought us shows like The Cosby Show, Cheers, Night Court, Seinfeld, ER, and Friends. Your cure for your problems was to give us Leno, Local News, and Conan? You should form a joint venture with Chrysler called CRAP.

Well, as you can see, my diary was fairly short. Nothing has really changed in the last seven months. I walked back from Washington dejected that Sasquatch would not help us win the war on terrorism. I didn't have the strength to put pen to paper. But I'm back and rested. I suspect there will be more posts in the future. Stay tuned. I'm off to Perkins for some fine family dining.